Baby Bliss- Gratitude Journal – Day 9

October 20, 2016 at 9:03 pm (Babies, Being in the moment, connection, Fear, friends, Gratitude, Heart, Laila, Mom, Moments, mothers and daughters, Simple Things, simplicity, value)
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Gratitude Journal- Day 9- October 18, 2016.

Baby Bliss

tiny-toes

☆ Tiny toes

☆ Sleeping soundly on mommy’s chest

☆ Rubbing her little red eyelids with her iddy biddy hands.

☆ Eyes lighting up at the sunlight beaming through the blinds.

☆ Looking at everything as if it is all so new and magical. Big blues eyes.

☆ Smiling, smiling and more smiling.

☆ Biting mommy’s hand without any teeth.

☆ Holding her own feet

☆ Warm and cozy onesie butt resting on my forearm. Haha! Warm and cozy head and ears against my cheek.

friends

☆ Having Renee as a friend all of these years. Who knew that a dance article about romantic relationships would lead me to find one of the best friendship relationships of my life? And seeing this beautiful friend of mine cherish moments with her beautiful little daughter made me smile so deeply.

☆ Spending an afternoon with Renee and her little baby girl- reminding me to focus on the little things. The simple things. Because they always end up being the most beautiful things.

value-of-a-moment

☆ Mom, you knew how to focus on the simple things. I wonder how you took care of us and raised us all by yourself. Was I ever laying on your chest the way Renee’s baby was laying on her mother? I imagine you didn’t get to spend enough time with us- as much as you wanted. I never got to tell you that I understand. That you were doing so much for us, I don’t even know how you managed that. I wonder if you ever got a chance to lay on your mother’s chest, as a young child?. Little baby Laila. I would have liked to see that. My mom being protected, loved, rocked and nurtured the way she deserved. Time went by too fast. Your time with your mom, my time with you. If I could have been given any of those moments back, I would have cherished them more fully.
Thank you for being my mother.

Thank you to all the mothers out there who give so much to their kids- from carrying their child in their bellies, to giving birth, to raising their kids so selflessly, to all the sacrifices they make each and every day for days and years on end. And thank you for sprinkling that little touch of motherly magic on us that only a mother can do. Nothing compares to you.

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Night Time is the Right Time- Gratitude Journal -Day 5

October 15, 2016 at 6:52 am (Belief, connection, Divine Signs, Gratitude, Hope, journals, Laila, Mindfulness, Mom, Night Time, Tattoos)
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Gratitude Journal – Day 5- October 14th, 2016

☆ Hearing Night Time is the Right Time on my ipod playlist. Wow! I had forgotten about that song. I was in such a low and sad mood, but when my ipod surprised me with that track, I suddenly felt more alive and it was hard not to want to move and sing with Ray Charles’ passionate and soulful voice. The energy of it is just infectious.

☆ Of course, it brought back memories of good old days, watching old sitcoms like the Cosby Show and laughing our heads off when the whole Huxstable family lip syncs that same Ray Charles tune. Theo in his flipped collar and wide brimmed hat, strutting down their living room staircase, the women and girls all synchronizing their choreographed hip movements and Heathcliff just cool and smooth in his suit and tie.  The best part was when they had Rudy do all the gut wrenching “Baby” cries in the song! Actually, the best part was that life felt so much simpler then.

☆ Walking back to my car late at night feeling my own connection to the words night time is the right time. It is the time when I feel so alive. There is something about the night that is mysterious, and peaceful and magical all at the same time.
The streets are quieter. I am more aware of the silence and stillness and calm in the night. Yet it allows me to hear sounds that I wouldn’t otherwise here during the hustle and bustle of our busy days.

walking-in-the-rain

☆ The sloshing of taxi tires zipping by against the wet, shimmering roads. There seem to be more taxis on the road at night, or maybe I just notice them more as they stop and stare, sure that you are in desperate need of them if you are walking alone in the wet weather at night. But then they realize you are walking to your own car and somehow, seem disappointed.

☆ The way the high rise buildings seem to disappear into the dark, night sky. With most of the apartments’ lights out, the skyscrapers appear like dark towers, melting into the blackness of the sky. Everything is dark up above making the streets lights and late night 7-11 shops appear brighter.

☆ Walking down the ‘wrong’ street, thinking I was heading to exactly where my car was parked. This led me to a gas station that I wouldn’t have found if I had walked down the ‘right’ street.

☆ At that gas station, when I went to pay for the Cliff bar I had bought, I see that there is a worit-must-be-a-signd tattooed on the fist of the youngish Indian guy behind the till. Well, to be exact, if you imagine someone making a fist, and then banging that fist on a table, the part of the hand and fist that would make contact with the table- that’s where the tattoo was. I thought I imagined what I saw, because it didn’t seem likely that this fit, young, guy would have this inscribed on his hand. Maybe I am imagining it because I know it’s on my mind, I thought.

But then his wrist turned in a way that allowed me to see it really quickly again. And so I asked, “Does your tattoo say Mom on it?”
He smiled, and said, “Yes,” while he showed it to me again. It was in beautifully inscribed in flowing handwriting on his left hand. I smiled, but looked down and could feel myself breathe in deeply as I did. I looked up again as he said, “This one says Mom,” and then he turned his other hand around and said, “And this one says Dad.”

I didn’t say much. But I did feel a lot. He smiled and said thank you. But little did he know that I was the one who was really thankful. Thankful he was there, thankful I had lost my way, thank you that I had been observant enough to see the word written on him. Or that something made me see.

☆ It wasn’t until I left the gas station that I realized I couldn’t find my car. I was cold. It was wet. I was tired. And then I told myself that I was being foolish, thinking that all of this was a sign and I was supposed to be there. What if I parked my car was towed for some reason, or worse, stolen? But then again, why would anyone steal an old Corolla?

☆ It was late when I finally spotted my car (my mom’s car to be exact). I got into it and turned up the heat but was so frustrated with myself for being able to pay attention to some stupid marks on a guy’s hand but not being able to pay attention to the location of where I left my car. Once I started driving, I noticed a song had come to an end on the radio. And then, another one started. There was a silence just before it, that reminded me of the night’s silence. And it made focus more on what was to come.  A guitar was playing softly but sweetly. I recognized the old classic within a few seconds: Eric Clapton’s Layla. I cried. The lyrics – I had never heard them properly before that moment: “Layla, you got me on my knees Layla. I’m begging darling please, Layla. Darling won’t you ease my worried mind.”  My thoughts exactly. My thoughts exactly.

divine-timing

☆ Mom, I’m sure you were not familiar with that Clapton song that bore your name while you were living. Sure, it is uses a y instead of an i, but still the same name.  Maybe someone in Heaven has told you about Clapton and his song now. Thanks to you, or the Universe, or just pure coincidence for playing it for me. (It could have been coincidence, because the song that was just ending before Layla was “Trouble” by Taylor Swift- haha!) But… if I had gotten to my car earlier, I might have missed the Clapton song, and reached home before it played. It was perfect timing, in a way, or so I’d like to believe. Maybe I got lost or thought I had lost the car to find some hope of peace about you. for you. .

Tattoos, Clapton, and Divine Timing? What a night. Maybe night time IS really the right time to connect to it.

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Laila’s Life Lessons- Happy Birthday, Mom!

March 16, 2015 at 5:55 am (connection, courage, inspiration)
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I find it funny that recently, people have come up to me to tell me how proud my Mom was of my being a teacher, and how impressed they are that I completed my teaching degree at Cambridge. The irony is that to me, it is my Mom who was the real teacher.  See, education and great teaching is not just about where you went to school and how many degrees you have. And great teachers come in all forms and from all sorts of backgrounds, even those who didn’t have what we would call a formal education.  I should know because my mom didn’t have a diploma to her name, not even one from highschool. Yet, she taught me more than any professor, degree or university has ever taught me. Her legacy, her life lessons, and her love will stay with me forever.    Real teachers plant seeds that last life times. They mold who you are, what you stand for, and how you see yourself and the world around you. Everything that is good, smart, and beautiful about me came from the lessons of the truest teacher I have ever known- my Mom- Laila.  And I’d like to share some of her lessons with you on this special day, the date of what would have been her 77th Birthday.

Happy Birthday, Mom! This is ouyellow roser first birthday without you here, but I intend to honour and celebrate you and all you’ve done for us.  You have touched so many lives, and you continue to live on in our hearts forever. Thank you for the beautiful lessons. I was and am truly blessed to have you as a mother. Best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for choosing me as your daughter and for giving me such a great brother.

(Some of these are things she actually said, but most are my interpretations of her words and actions, realizations that have come to me after she recently passed away).

1.  Drink chai (tea).  It is not something that you just sip from the outside. It has the power to warm you from the inside out.

2.  Don’t chase money or make it your priority.  Money means nothing without health and family.  Take care of your health. Take care of your family. Don’t let money distract you from either of these much more valuable parts of living.

3.  If you have a headache, rather than trying to sleep it off, find something mindless to do – like washing dishes, or folding clothes- something meditative, repetitive, and doesn’t involve too much brain work, but calms you. And before you know it, your headache will disappear.

4.   Carry a flashlight.  You never know when you might need one.

5.  Balm (Vicks vapo rub), a hot water bottle and tumeric powder in milk are the best anecdotes to colds.

6. Go/drive slow. Going fast doesn’t necessarily get you there quicker. It just gets you there more agitated and sometimes, it may even prevent you from getting there at all.

7. Just because the light goes green doesn’t mean you should rush go through it immediately. If the light has just changed to green, wait a second, make sure it is really clear to go, and then go.  Lights don’t detect reckless drivers. But your own eyes can and carefulness can.

8.  Never give up.  Never ever give up.cup of tea

9. I like that you and I are different  It means that I can always learn something from you.

10.  Oh Google! Somebody told me about this. You should check it out. (She said this in February of 2015! :-))

11.  WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT, don’t even TOUCH your phone while driving, and wear a jacket and a scarf.  After everything I have done to protect you and keep you safe, why would you put yourself in unnecessary danger or risk of getting sick?

12.  Don’t go out into the cold with wet hair.

13. If anyone gets sick, a mother always knows how to take care of them.  But if a mother gets sick, no one knows what to do.

14.  Go to Khane (place of prayer), or find your own ‘khane’.- Somewhere you can go to connect with God, with yourself and a community. You will need them at different points in your life, so get into the habit of having them around.

15.  Stand up for what you believe and for who you believe in.  I believe in both of my kids.  I might have gotten on their backs about different things sometimes, but it’s only because I believe in both of them.

16.  I might never have said I love you, but I always showed it.  (Yes, you did mom. You definitely showed it in everything you did).  Actions DO speak louder than words.

17. GIVE.  GIVE GIVE GIVE. Don’t stop giving, even to people who don’t give back. You might not get anything back from them but you will get it back from someone, somewhere.  Or you will just feel lighter for giving. Too much taking makes me heavy.mother quote

18.  A mother never thinks twice about sacrificing for her kids.  My kids are everything to me.  I did and would give them everything I have. It is my job. And it makes me happy.

19.  Eat! Don’t forget to eat, no matter how busy of a day you have.  If I ever bugged you too much about coming over and eating with me, it was just a way to get you here, to have something to do together. We both need to eat, so why not do it together?

20.  A Mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take.

21. Simplicity is beautiful. Whenever life gets to be too much, go back to the simple things.  Enjoy the simple things in life.  Get rid of the complications.  That’s why I kept myself simple: so you always have somewhere true and real to come back to.

22. No matter how old you get, you will always be my children.  So I will never stop watching over you, even after I’m gone.

23.  You may think you know how much your mother has done for you while she is alive, but you will start discovering the real depth of her love even more once she has passed away.

24. Never do anything to intentionally harm yourself.  I have brought you up to respect and love yourself. And if you ever forget that, remember that you are a part of me. So if you hurt yourself or put yourself down or blame yourself unnecessarily, you are also hurting me.  Treat yourself with love and kindness. That is all I ever want for you. And surround yourself with those who treat you with nothing less than that consideration.

25.   I will still continue to teach you and guide you even when I am no longer physically with you. You just have to be open to it and listen for it.  Nothing will ever stop me from taking care of my children. Talk to me, even if we didn’t talk that much when I was living.  I will hear you and I will find ways to answer you.  That’s the power of a Mother’s Love. It is timeless and knows no boundaries.

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