Yes, you know the list I’m talking about. The one that lays down exactly what I’m looking for in a guy -the ultimate one. The one I’ve been waiting for but hasn’t shown up …yet. Notice how I say YET. That means I still believe in him. I just don’t know how or when he will appear. Maybe he needs some help, to know that I know exactly what I want and won’t settle for any less, … than HIM.
Maybe I’ve confused him. Maybe just as he is about to show up, I hang out with a guy who doesn’t have any of the qualities that I want. And then MY guy thinks… hmmm… she’s not ready for me. So he ends up having to wait a little longer until I figure it out. No. Don’t wait! I am ready. Sometimes I mess up, because I lose my patience. But I still believe in you… I want to make it clear who you are and what I want. And what better time, than tonight- when I am at home on Valentine’s Day… without you, again.
☆ Rubbing her little red eyelids with her iddy biddy hands.
☆ Eyes lighting up at the sunlight beaming through the blinds.
☆ Looking at everything as if it is all so new and magical. Big blues eyes.
☆ Smiling, smiling and more smiling.
☆ Biting mommy’s hand without any teeth.
☆ Holding her own feet
☆ Warm and cozy onesie butt resting on my forearm. Haha! Warm and cozy head and ears against my cheek.
☆ Having Renee as a friend all of these years. Who knew that a dance article about romantic relationships would lead me to find one of the best friendship relationships of my life? And seeing this beautiful friend of mine cherish moments with her beautiful little daughter made me smile so deeply.
☆ Spending an afternoon with Renee and her little baby girl- reminding me to focus on the little things. The simple things. Because they always end up being the most beautiful things.
☆ Mom, you knew how to focus on the simple things. I wonder how you took care of us and raised us all by yourself. Was I ever laying on your chest the way Renee’s baby was laying on her mother? I imagine you didn’t get to spend enough time with us- as much as you wanted. I never got to tell you that I understand. That you were doing so much for us, I don’t even know how you managed that. I wonder if you ever got a chance to lay on your mother’s chest, as a young child?. Little baby Laila. I would have liked to see that. My mom being protected, loved, rocked and nurtured the way she deserved. Time went by too fast. Your time with your mom, my time with you. If I could have been given any of those moments back, I would have cherished them more fully.
Thank you for being my mother.
Thank you to all the mothers out there who give so much to their kids- from carrying their child in their bellies, to giving birth, to raising their kids so selflessly, to all the sacrifices they make each and every day for days and years on end. And thank you for sprinkling that little touch of motherly magic on us that only a mother can do. Nothing compares to you.
☆ A surprise visit from a ‘surprise friend.’ I thought her original plan to come to Vancouver from Poland was no longer working out. And so I just went about my days, realizing or believing, that it just wasn’t meant to happen. But then,… surprise! She sends me a message all of a sudden that she is really coming here in mid October! Flight booked. Accommodations organized. Done. Just like that. My first response? WHAT?!!! And then YAY, Yay, Yay!!!
☆ Why did I call her a surprise friend? Well, if someone had told me that I’d meet a girl in a foreign country who loves music just as much, if not more, than I do. And that we’d stay in touch every day, many times a day, for months later, sharing songs, ideas, and being each other’s safe audience to sing and mess up and make mistakes freely in front of, I wouldn’t have believed them. Plus, it was all happening over whatsapp! Man, I never knew how grateful I would be for whatsapp. But yeah, that’s what happened, and she’s here now, and I still can’t believe it! But it feels like I’ve known her forever.
☆ She sat at a coffee shop in the middle of one of the rainiest, windiest days in Vancouver, waiting for me. And she had the biggest smile on her face, even though recent events had made her a little heavy hearted. And we listened and encouraged and shared perspectives and advice. And I loved how each moment seemed to lighten the weight on her until she was skipping and hopping around in my apartment, giddy and excited to just be in this city and to be catching up in person.
☆ My dresses fit her! The ones I couldn’t seem to have the heart to get rid of and just give away because they seemed too nice to give to a random charity or person. But at the same time, I know they would just continue to sit in my closet, unworn. So I thought, hmm… maybe I could show them to my friend. Sure, she’s slimmer, and has fair skin with long, curly blond hair. So maybe the colours and size wouldnt even fit? But you never know, right?
Wow! You don’t know. ALL of the dresses looked great on her and there were at least five. She was thrilled to take them. The smile that grew on her face each time she came out of the bathroom twirling around in front of the full length mirror to show off another dress … well, I knew they were going to the right person. She even chose one to spend the rest of the day in. A short, fitted dress, in windy, rainy Vancouver. Haha! That was awesome! And it looked like it was made for her.
☆ The surprise journal gift and pen she bought me- from the Chopin Museum too! It was perfect- “It’s so that you keep writing your songs,” she explained. Well, little did she know I had a little gift of my own for her as well. Uhmmm… it was also a journal I bought to encourage her to write and record her own song ideas as well. It had stylized colorful figures all holding hands around a vibrant, smiling sun on the cover. So fitting. It really is a small world. All under the same sun and moon even though we might be in totally different parts of the world. And it’s fascinating how life brings people together. I am so grateful that life brought us together.
☆ Scheming to surprise a mutual friend of ours who didn’t know that this surprise friend was even in town. We refrained from posting anything on facebook until the surprise took place. THAT was hard because we were so excited. But, I think our efforts paid off. The surprise was successful from what I heard. I wasn’t there to witness it, but I can’t wait to hear about it soon when we all three meet up on Monday afternoon.
☆ I wish you could have met my friend, Mom. She took the framed picture of you off of my shelf for a moment and held it in front of her, looking as if she genuinely wanted to observe and know you more closely. Thank you for giving me the heart and qualities that allow me to connect to such wonderful people from all over the world, Mom. Whenever anyone gives me a compliment, my favorite response these days is, “Thank you. My mother made me that way.” It’s true. Everything that is good about me came from you, and from your mother as well. I hope she is taking care of you up there
☆ Hearing Night Time is the Right Time on my ipod playlist. Wow! I had forgotten about that song. I was in such a low and sad mood, but when my ipod surprised me with that track, I suddenly felt more alive and it was hard not to want to move and sing with Ray Charles’ passionate and soulful voice. The energy of it is just infectious.
☆ Of course, it brought back memories of good old days, watching old sitcoms like the Cosby Show and laughing our heads off when the whole Huxstable family lip syncs that same Ray Charles tune. Theo in his flipped collar and wide brimmed hat, strutting down their living room staircase, the women and girls all synchronizing their choreographed hip movements and Heathcliff just cool and smooth in his suit and tie. The best part was when they had Rudy do all the gut wrenching “Baby” cries in the song! Actually, the best part was that life felt so much simpler then.
☆ Walking back to my car late at night feeling my own connection to the words night time is the right time. It is the time when I feel so alive. There is something about the night that is mysterious, and peaceful and magical all at the same time.
The streets are quieter. I am more aware of the silence and stillness and calm in the night. Yet it allows me to hear sounds that I wouldn’t otherwise here during the hustle and bustle of our busy days.
☆ The sloshing of taxi tires zipping by against the wet, shimmering roads. There seem to be more taxis on the road at night, or maybe I just notice them more as they stop and stare, sure that you are in desperate need of them if you are walking alone in the wet weather at night. But then they realize you are walking to your own car and somehow, seem disappointed.
☆ The way the high rise buildings seem to disappear into the dark, night sky. With most of the apartments’ lights out, the skyscrapers appear like dark towers, melting into the blackness of the sky. Everything is dark up above making the streets lights and late night 7-11 shops appear brighter.
☆ Walking down the ‘wrong’ street, thinking I was heading to exactly where my car was parked. This led me to a gas station that I wouldn’t have found if I had walked down the ‘right’ street.
☆ At that gas station, when I went to pay for the Cliff bar I had bought, I see that there is a word tattooed on the fist of the youngish Indian guy behind the till. Well, to be exact, if you imagine someone making a fist, and then banging that fist on a table, the part of the hand and fist that would make contact with the table- that’s where the tattoo was. I thought I imagined what I saw, because it didn’t seem likely that this fit, young, guy would have this inscribed on his hand. Maybe I am imagining it because I know it’s on my mind, I thought.
But then his wrist turned in a way that allowed me to see it really quickly again. And so I asked, “Does your tattoo say Mom on it?”
He smiled, and said, “Yes,” while he showed it to me again. It was in beautifully inscribed in flowing handwriting on his left hand. I smiled, but looked down and could feel myself breathe in deeply as I did. I looked up again as he said, “This one says Mom,” and then he turned his other hand around and said, “And this one says Dad.”
I didn’t say much. But I did feel a lot. He smiled and said thank you. But little did he know that I was the one who was really thankful. Thankful he was there, thankful I had lost my way, thank you that I had been observant enough to see the word written on him. Or that something made me see.
☆ It wasn’t until I left the gas station that I realized I couldn’t find my car. I was cold. It was wet. I was tired. And then I told myself that I was being foolish, thinking that all of this was a sign and I was supposed to be there. What if I parked my car was towed for some reason, or worse, stolen? But then again, why would anyone steal an old Corolla?
☆ It was late when I finally spotted my car (my mom’s car to be exact). I got into it and turned up the heat but was so frustrated with myself for being able to pay attention to some stupid marks on a guy’s hand but not being able to pay attention to the location of where I left my car. Once I started driving, I noticed a song had come to an end on the radio. And then, another one started. There was a silence just before it, that reminded me of the night’s silence. And it made focus more on what was to come. A guitar was playing softly but sweetly. I recognized the old classic within a few seconds: Eric Clapton’s Layla. I cried. The lyrics – I had never heard them properly before that moment: “Layla, you got me on my knees Layla. I’m begging darling please, Layla. Darling won’t you ease my worried mind.” My thoughts exactly. My thoughts exactly.
☆ Mom, I’m sure you were not familiar with that Clapton song that bore your name while you were living. Sure, it is uses a y instead of an i, but still the same name. Maybe someone in Heaven has told you about Clapton and his song now. Thanks to you, or the Universe, or just pure coincidence for playing it for me. (It could have been coincidence, because the song that was just ending before Layla was “Trouble” by Taylor Swift- haha!) But… if I had gotten to my car earlier, I might have missed the Clapton song, and reached home before it played. It was perfect timing, in a way, or so I’d like to believe. Maybe I got lost or thought I had lost the car to find some hope of peace about you. for you. .
Tattoos, Clapton, and Divine Timing? What a night. Maybe night time IS really the right time to connect to it.
Sitting in my new apartment, I know there are corners that still need to be fixed- like the cabinet door that is loose under the kitchen counter, and the drawer where my utensils are that gets stuck sometimes. There is the issue with the water spitting out too much onto the tiles outside the bathtub after I shower, and the sun beating down so strongly that my living room oftens feels more like a hot yoga studio. But I am typing away at my computer, relieved that I’m here and settled for now, because it was only a couple of months ago that I was on a crazy search which I thought would never end- a search for a place to live. It was frantic, disappointing and exhausting. And it dawned on me the other day that running around looking for apartments reminded me of something else that frustrated me so much, something that I vowed never to do again. That something is online dating.
What does online dating have to do with looking for apartments you ask? Well, actually, I have found that they have a lot of similarities which I must share with you now.
I find it funny that recently, people have come up to me to tell me how proud my Mom was of my being a teacher, and how impressed they are that I completed my teaching degree at Cambridge. The irony is that to me, it is my Mom who was the real teacher. See, education and great teaching is not just about where you went to school and how many degrees you have. And great teachers come in all forms and from all sorts of backgrounds, even those who didn’t have what we would call a formal education. I should know because my mom didn’t have a diploma to her name, not even one from highschool. Yet, she taught me more than any professor, degree or university has ever taught me. Her legacy, her life lessons, and her love will stay with me forever. Real teachers plant seeds that last life times. They mold who you are, what you stand for, and how you see yourself and the world around you. Everything that is good, smart, and beautiful about me came from the lessons of the truest teacher I have ever known- my Mom- Laila. And I’d like to share some of her lessons with you on this special day, the date of what would have been her 77th Birthday.
Happy Birthday, Mom! This is our first birthday without you here, but I intend to honour and celebrate you and all you’ve done for us. You have touched so many lives, and you continue to live on in our hearts forever. Thank you for the beautiful lessons. I was and am truly blessed to have you as a mother. Best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for choosing me as your daughter and for giving me such a great brother.
(Some of these are things she actually said, but most are my interpretations of her words and actions, realizations that have come to me after she recently passed away).
1. Drink chai (tea). It is not something that you just sip from the outside. It has the power to warm you from the inside out.
2. Don’t chase money or make it your priority. Money means nothing without health and family. Take care of your health. Take care of your family. Don’t let money distract you from either of these much more valuable parts of living.
3. If you have a headache, rather than trying to sleep it off, find something mindless to do – like washing dishes, or folding clothes- something meditative, repetitive, and doesn’t involve too much brain work, but calms you. And before you know it, your headache will disappear.
4. Carry a flashlight. You never know when you might need one.
5. Balm (Vicks vapo rub), a hot water bottle and tumeric powder in milk are the best anecdotes to colds.
6. Go/drive slow. Going fast doesn’t necessarily get you there quicker. It just gets you there more agitated and sometimes, it may even prevent you from getting there at all.
7. Just because the light goes green doesn’t mean you should rush go through it immediately. If the light has just changed to green, wait a second, make sure it is really clear to go, and then go. Lights don’t detect reckless drivers. But your own eyes can and carefulness can.
8. Never give up. Never ever give up.
9. I like that you and I are different It means that I can always learn something from you.
10. Oh Google! Somebody told me about this. You should check it out. (She said this in February of 2015! :-))
11. WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT, don’t even TOUCH your phone while driving, and wear a jacket and a scarf. After everything I have done to protect you and keep you safe, why would you put yourself in unnecessary danger or risk of getting sick?
12. Don’t go out into the cold with wet hair.
13. If anyone gets sick, a mother always knows how to take care of them. But if a mother gets sick, no one knows what to do.
14. Go to Khane (place of prayer), or find your own ‘khane’.- Somewhere you can go to connect with God, with yourself and a community. You will need them at different points in your life, so get into the habit of having them around.
15. Stand up for what you believe and for who you believe in. I believe in both of my kids. I might have gotten on their backs about different things sometimes, but it’s only because I believe in both of them.
16. I might never have said I love you, but I always showed it. (Yes, you did mom. You definitely showed it in everything you did). Actions DO speak louder than words.
17. GIVE. GIVE GIVE GIVE. Don’t stop giving, even to people who don’t give back. You might not get anything back from them but you will get it back from someone, somewhere. Or you will just feel lighter for giving. Too much taking makes me heavy.
18. A mother never thinks twice about sacrificing for her kids. My kids are everything to me. I did and would give them everything I have. It is my job. And it makes me happy.
19. Eat! Don’t forget to eat, no matter how busy of a day you have. If I ever bugged you too much about coming over and eating with me, it was just a way to get you here, to have something to do together. We both need to eat, so why not do it together?
20. A Mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take.
21. Simplicity is beautiful. Whenever life gets to be too much, go back to the simple things. Enjoy the simple things in life. Get rid of the complications. That’s why I kept myself simple: so you always have somewhere true and real to come back to.
22. No matter how old you get, you will always be my children. So I will never stop watching over you, even after I’m gone.
23. You may think you know how much your mother has done for you while she is alive, but you will start discovering the real depth of her love even more once she has passed away.
24. Never do anything to intentionally harm yourself. I have brought you up to respect and love yourself. And if you ever forget that, remember that you are a part of me. So if you hurt yourself or put yourself down or blame yourself unnecessarily, you are also hurting me. Treat yourself with love and kindness. That is all I ever want for you. And surround yourself with those who treat you with nothing less than that consideration.
25. I will still continue to teach you and guide you even when I am no longer physically with you. You just have to be open to it and listen for it. Nothing will ever stop me from taking care of my children. Talk to me, even if we didn’t talk that much when I was living. I will hear you and I will find ways to answer you. That’s the power of a Mother’s Love. It is timeless and knows no boundaries.
My favorite site right now for inspiring articles is Elephant Journal. One recent post I saw on the site touched me a great deal. It was written by a mother, or an aspiring mother, named Rebecca Lammersen, who wished to share a beautiful gift with her daughters- advice, in the form of a list, of how to live a full life- 18 Life Lessons I Want My Daughters to Hear. All of them were completely in tune with my own beliefs and what I would wish to impart on kids if I had any of my own. But they also got me thinking about additional points I would want to add, either because my mom shared them with me, or because I learned how important they were from my own experiences. So I decided to create my own list, inspired by Rebecca’s. It begins with one I borrowed from her, as that one stood out to me as one of the most crucial. Thanks Rebecca for inspiring the rest of these:
20 Life Lessons I Would Want My Children to Hear- By Tasleem
1. “Never feel guilty for moving away from me, for traveling, or going on an adventure.” (that one was written by the original writer- Rebecca Lammersen).
2. Never burden yourself with what went on in our family before you came along. Be interested in our heritage and where you came from, but never feel that what went ‘wrong’ is yours to fix. It is not. We as your parents, as well as the generations before us, made our own choices. Some good, some not so good. But don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s your job to pay for those mistakes. It is NOT!
3. Family is not meant to hold you down, but lift you up. We give you foundation and values to develop your wings, in order to help you fly, but also to have a solid place to land back again whenever you need it. Don’t let anyone cage or hold down your wings, not even family.
4. Don’t chase people. Have a variety of friends, and also be your own best friend, so that whenever anyone is not around, you don’t feel the need to chase. The people who are real friends will be there for you without you having to run after them.
5. Love openly, no matter what colour, race, religion or language the person is. Feel free to love who your heart tells you to. I don’t care even if the person doesn’t speak the same language as us, as long as they treat you like the beautiful soul that you are- with respect, affection, compassion and commitment. I will learn their language if need be. As long as you are happy with that person.
6. The important events of your life- your birthdays, your marriage- should be celebrated the way you want to. They are your days. Don’t let anyone tell you how to live them. Not even me.
7. Find your own ‘dance’ in life- whether it be a sport, painting, running, meditation, music. Just do something that enlivens your spirit and allows you to express who you are. Don’t ever abandon the activities that make you feel truly happy, no matter what they are.
8. Never let anyone tell you you can’t do something. I think that’s how Will Smith said it in the Pursuit of Happyness. It’s true. When people tell you this, it is usually coming from their own fears. Disregard the fears if it is something you really want. Go after it. “No heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.” That’s what Paulo Coelho said. Read his books, especially the Alchemist.
9. Travel, Laugh, and Listen to Music. The first will open your eyes to the world, and all the beautiful people in it, the second will keep you enjoying the world around you, and the third will remind you of the rhythm of life. It is all around you. Just listen.
10. Cry. It is not a weakness. It shows that you feel, it allows you to let go of anything piling up inside you, and it makes you real and human.
11. Everything happens for a reason. It really does. And the Universe is always looking out for you. So am I.
12. Spend time alone. Get to know yourself. Don’t be afraid to go to movies or a restaurant or to travel by yourself. It is the best way to meet new people, to become centered and to appreciate your surroundings and your uniqueness.
13. I might be your mother, but that does not mean I am always right. My mother once said to me, “I like that we are different. It means that I can learn something from you too.” I am saying the same to you.
14. Never give up. The words of Winston Churchill and my mother, your grandmother. Never give up.
15. Be yourself. There is only one you. I am so proud to have made that you, and the Universe wants you here for a reason, a reason completely separate from anyone else’s reason for being here. Learn from Tigger: “The most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I’m the only one. I’m the only one.” You are the only you. Let that you shine through and don’t hide it.
16. It’s okay not to fit in. In fact, it’s beautiful, it’s authentic, it’s real. Be real.
17. Stand up for what you believe, even if everyone else believes something different.
18. Play. Play outside, play inside, run around, make noise, make sand castles, draw, and blow bubbles. Play should be mandatory in the curriculum at any age, for any program, even at work in businesses.
19. Exercise- whatever form you want, but do it. Your body, but also your mind and spirit need it.
20. I will still be with you, even after I leave this earth. I might just take a different form- like a cool breeze on a warm day, or a full moon shining over you, or the rain washing away your sorrows. It is not just your imagination. I am with you always.
I saw this line in a writer’s bio recently, and she definitely lived up to it. Her article oozed openness, authenticity, honesty, … no holding back. I felt as if I knew her as there seemed to be no mask between us. Each of her words connected with me somehow, as if she knew a part of me too. Yet, I was aware that we were different.
See, I envied her freedom in her writing and in the person that shone through her words, and I wanted to be just as free and real. I realized that what made her art beautiful, what allowed her to connect with me and probably hundreds or thousands of other readers, was her courage to be vulnerable, to get naked on the page, as she so aptly put it. And so I decided that 2015 is my year to explore vulnerability, to welcome it, and to get ‘naked’ both on and off the page. Anyone want to join me?
I used to think that vulnerability was a weakness. That it was about being small, scared, and easily hurt. I just didn’t want to be it- vulnerable, that is. So I avoided situations where my vulnerability would show through, even though deep down inside, I imagined it
was just written all over me- ‘Little Miss Vulnerable’. I hid in the girl’s bathroom at school when I felt like I didn’t fit in or had no one to play with at recess. I didn’t put up a fight when my mother wrote me sick notes to get me out of P.E. class because I always thought I was going to be picked last in games anyway. I didn’t want to keep fumbling a ball and missing a catch, or for my classmates to wait for me while I was the last at the finish line in track practice.
I hated running, yet I seemed to be good at running from the things that made me feel inadequate. For so many years, I hid behind my books, my studies, and my big, dorky, pink glasses, while my classmates went to pool parties, skating field trips, and skiing getaways. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking stupid in front of other kids. I felt so uncoordinated playing sports, while they seemed to come so naturally to the other kids. Sure, those years being studious and all ‘in my head’ had their own payoffs. I got good grades, I was a stronger writer or reader than some of my classmates, and I built up good work habits that I still use to this day. But I should have been building those academic skills out of choice, not as a scapegoat. I needed to have more balance in my life, and include more social and physical activities in my day.
No one reminded me that NOT doing those activities that I was scared of wasn’t going to somehow make me magically better at them one day. No one told me that you can’t run from all your fears, or all your ‘shortcomings’ all your life, because boy, do they catch up with you in other ways. Sure, I might not have to go to P.E. class now as an adult, and I can choose the types of parties I want to go to. But, what about the skill of falling and getting back up that I missed out on?
If you were like me and didn’t take the opportunities to fall and make mistakes when you were younger, to scrape your knee, or lose your grip on the monkey bars, or let go of the rail at the ice rink or risk looking into the eyes of the guy sitting next to you to see how he really feels, then learning to get back up as an adult isn’t just hard, it’s unfamiliar.
“I will make better mistakes next time,” are the words written across a t-shirt my voice teacher owns. She knows the power of allowing yourself to make ‘mistakes’ and take chances, to not get stuck in the idea of ‘what it’s supposed to be like.’ In fact, she uses vulnerability as a tool to connect with her audiences. “Be naked” was the advice she actually gave me a year ago when I was practising to sing in front of a bunch of people for the first time. We often hear that one of the best ways to get over ‘stage fright’ is to picture your audience naked. But my voice teacher allowed me to see that giving of yourself- nerves, emotions, and all- to the audience, rather than taking or expecting a reaction from them, makes for a stronger connection. Because by simply being who you are, and what you feel, at that moment, you let the audience in to that energy of authenticity as well. And this gives them permission to be real and vulnerable too. “In order for connection to happen, you have to allow yourself to be ‘seen.’- to be vulnerable.”(See TED Talk link attached below). And this allows your audience to do the same.
When it was finally time for me to go up to the mic and sing, I was so nervous that my hands got really shaky. I remember regretting taking the mic off the stand as soon as I realized I couldn’t keep my hand still. Once it was over, I wanted to scream out “I can do it better, really!” I had worked hard practising those songs for months. I was so angry at myself for not pulling it off the way I had hoped. The little girl I was so long ago seemed to come sneaking back to me. “Why did I have to embarrass myself by getting up there?” she asked. “Why didn’t I just ask for another sick note, or hide in the bathroom like I always did,” she demanded. “We were safer there,” she reminded me.
I had to ask myself the same question- why DID I even bother doing these ‘scary’ things, that didn’t have any sort of sure outcome? It is uncomfortable to open up and share your feelings, especially when you don’t know how your nerves are going to hold up. You might get shaky hands, you might miss that monkey bar, you may land your butt on the ice at the rink, or admitting you have a crush on that guy may result in your own crushed heart.
But what is the other option? To never know? Is there strength in that? When someone is vulnerable, they may feel small, scared, or easily hurt, yet the beauty in whatever they do is that they do it DESPITE feeling this way. They make mistakes not caring if the outcome is perfect or not- “The courage to be imperfect” (TED Talk below). COURAGE, not weakness. Vulnerability is about being brave. It is not about being scared, and running away. It’s about being scared, and still facing that fear and sometimes running right towards it. And learning to “Lean into the discomfort of it,” is part of the art of using vulnerability to fully live life. Paulo Coelho, my favorite writer, actually refers to those who live in this way as Warriors.
And thinking back, I realized it wasn’t the kids who threw a ball perfectly, or the classmates who ran the fastest, or those who skied down the toughest slopes that necessarily stood out to me. It was those kids who ran and stumbled, and laughed it off and got right back up again – they were the ones that I admired. They said what they really felt. They just tried everything, and had fun, mistakes and all!
What we often forget is that when we are so open to the things that may possibly hurt us, this means that we are also open to more joy, passion and freedom than the people out there who don’t take these risks. “The passion is IN taking the risk.”* And I want to live a passionate life.
Being vulnerable is being free. You, unlike the less vulnerable, are not hiding behind a façade, a persona that you think others want to see or want you to be. There is no space for the regret that comes from not trying. Instead, as the one who is vulnerable, you bare it all- naked- for everyone to see you just as you are. And they can take it or leave it. You may still be anxious about what others think about you, yet, you let that go. You know that the only way you can truly be faithful to yourself is to take that risk. You have decided that saving that uniqueness about you is worth it.
And then I realized that as an adult, I have had some instances of vulnerability that I can be proud of.
Besides learning to sing, and starting to take opportunities to sing in front of others, I also joined a performance dance group, even though I was terrified of dancing in front of people years ago. But I wanted to get over that, and so I learned to trust that my body would remember the steps, and sequence, despite my nerves. It wasn’t perfect, but I actually had fun making mistakes here and there, and figuring out how to still dance through them and keep smiling.
I also traveled to a few places on my own, without knowing a single person there, and sometimes without even knowing much of the language of the country either. Yet, I learned to communicate in some form or another, and sometimes I got lost. But, other times, the ‘wrong’ turns took me to places that I didn’t even know I needed to go.
There have been a few times that my travels were for ‘love’ or at least for some sort of tug I was feeling at my heart strings. For example, after writing to a particular guy for over a year, I decided to go out and see him in the states. It took a bus ride and a flight to get there, but before I arrived, he decided to let me know that he suddenly wasn’t comfortable meeting up with me. Of course, I was hurt and confused. I learned that I mistook the whole thing for something it wasn’t, including the kind of guy I thought he was, not just on a romantic level but even as a friend. He didn’t really care about me. All those emails, all those emotions built up… I was embarrassed at how much time I invested in it, in HIM. He would never have flown anywhere for me, so what was I thinking? But then, I realized that that is precisely why I should be proud of myself. It turned out that though I thought he was the courageous, outgoing one, I ended up being what I never thought I would be: someone who was brave enough to go find out rather than spending my life wondering.
The funny thing is that because I went there so open hearted, yes, I got hurt over the guy I had originally gone to see, but I met another guy while I was there, who actually treated me with the attention, affection, and respect I was looking for. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed him, or attracted him, if it wasn’t for how open my heart was at that time, even if it was wounded. This guy helped me smile, brought me laughter, but most of all, from the moment we met, he himself was open and unguarded with his feelings. He shared his passions and dreams with me, even though we hadn’t known each other very long. He knew I would be leaving to go back to Vancouver soon, and instead of letting that scare him, he made sure not to take his time with me for granted. He called me and asked me out within a couple of hours of meeting me, introduced me to his work colleagues, drove me around the city, shared his music and writing with me, and showed a genuine interest in me and who I was. We kept in touch for awhile, though things trickled off after a few months. But I think he was the universe’s way of showing me that taking chances and admitting my feelings for someone is a great thing. It may not have been reciprocated by the person my affection was aimed at, but sometimes, what you want comes to you from someone you didn’t even expect.
I have been lucky enough to make some inspiring friends who prove to me each day that being vulnerable is beneficial and worth it. One of my friends left med school in England to pursue her passion for singing in New York. And now, after years of living in Brooklyn, singing, and being true to herself, she inspired me once again by pursuing a relationship with a guy who she knew would be returning to his home in Ireland in a few months. She was the one who convinced him that they should make the most of their time together, rather than ending things early because of the fear of getting hurt or of having to say bye. To me, that is brave, beautiful, and something to look up to. I don’t know many people who would put themselves in such a vulnerable position. But I do know that I want to live my life with that kind of fullness.
Here’s to a year of “fully embracing vulnerability!”
“What makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful.” (TED Talk below)
*(from the movie- When In Rome)
***Special thanks you to Helene Roy for inspiring this post,
and for believing I could do justice to such a deep topic in the first place.***
CHECK OUT THIS AMAZING TED TALK BELOW- THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY
I interrupt the recent series of Unfortunate Dates to tell you about a good one, a really good date that just took place a few days ago. And… I advise you to go on it too!
A couple of days ago, I was taken to the exact place I wanted to go, at the exact time that was right for me, with company that allowed me to be myself, AND food and entertainment that was just my style.
Who was this amazing date you ask???
…..
tun ta da dun….
It was … ME!!!
What do I mean?
I mean, I was my date! – You heard me. (The picture of the couple was just there to fool you).
I took ME (myself) on a date, and it was actually an awesome night. I highly recommend you do it too! No silly, I’m not saying that YOU should take ME on a date too, but that you should take YOURSELF on a date! (unless of course you are a charming, funny, handsome guy that knows just how to treat me. Then I would gladly accept you also taking me out on a date, but that’s a whole other blog post).
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. You’re distracting me.
Where were we? Oh yes, taking yourself out on a date. I believe it is something everyone should do, whether you are single, in a relationship, even married, and especially if you’re not sure what your relationship status is (in that case, you might really benefit from this even more).
I know, I know. Isn’t that kind of sad, or even pathetic, you’re thinking? Because really, if you’re out alone, well, doesn’t that mean you are lonely, and a loner, and a loser who just plain doesn’t have any friends? RUBBISH! That is just a bunch of baloney. I have great friends, and sure, I’m single. But sometimes, I just want to do my own thing. And after the other night, I hope that whether I’m in a relationship or not, that I remember to take myself out on dates more regularly.
Why? Because it is adventurous, good for the soul, is the best way to get to know yourself, and it is fun! It grounds you and reminds you of how you want to be treated, and it gives you an excuse to go out and dress up and spend a night exactly the way you want it to wherever you want to go! There is a difference between taking yourself out on a date because you’re lonely and down on yourself- like you have no other choice- versus taking yourself out on a date because…. it’s fun and you know you’re worth it and you’re CHOOSING it intentionally.Read the rest of this entry »
I was not attracted to his look, but we seemed to have some things in common and I liked that he sounded quite compassionate- towards people and animals. He said he was doing some volunteer work, helping youth, and he also was vegan and felt very strongly against any sort of cruelty towards animals.
We talked on the phone,
and he had a very calm and pleasant voice. And it turned out that we had writing in common- he enjoyed writing poetry and I then recalled that even his emails were quite articulate. So when he asked me if I’d like to meet up for dinner sometime that week, I thought, “Why not? At the least, we could share some writing tips and talk about literature.”
The day that we were supposed to meet up, my mom ended up not feeling very well. And as the day progressed, I got very worried about her and decided I needed to take her to the medical clinic. It was still 4:30pm or and I didn’t need to leave for my date until about 7pm, so I thought I had plenty of time. But the clinic was packed full of people. It took us two hours of waiting before we even saw a doctor. Every half an hour or so, I messaged the guy I was supposed to be meeting for dinner later that night to let him know what was going on. Though I wanted to still meet up with him, and actually thought it might be good to go out and do something fun like that to get my mind off my worries, I didn’t want to keep him waiting. So I thought I would have to cancel. But he was really sweet and let me know that he completely understood, and he didn’t mind meeting an hour later.
He said he would pick one the restaurant. It was one of his favorites.
And I could just let him know what I decide about what time we could meet.
The kindness this guy showed towards my situation, helped me even more to make the decision to go out and meet him. We met up over an hour later than we had originally planned, as I wanted to make sure my mom was okay to be on her own, and it took me awhile to find the restaurant. But at least my date knew and was not waiting at the restaurant for that long.
It was Ethiopian. My date said that he frequented that place often as it had a variety of vegan dishes to choose from.
I arrived at the restaurant
which seemed quite secluded from the business of the rest of the city. We were also one of the only people in the restaurant. But the servers seemed to know my date quite well, and he seemed happy being somewhere familiar, so I gave it a chance As we began our first conversation in person, I realized that every time I said I was into something- like writing, or reading, or music, or teaching, this guy seemed to try to be one up on me. I mean, when I mentioned writing, he said, “Yes, I’m writing a book right now myself.” And when I mentioned teaching kids, he told me about all the volunteering he did at youth centers. But I started to wonder whether any of what he was saying was real. I mean, it was like he was trying to impress me with exaggerated versions of what he was doing- things connected to what I liked doing- rather than telling me about himself. It was just a strange feeling I got, as if he was competing with me to get my attention, rather than seeing that I wanted to just get to know him. I started to wonder if any of what he had told me about himself was true. But I let it go, thinking that maybe he was just nervous or something.
We ate our food. He ordered one of his favorite dishes, but I couldn’t see much on the menu that appealed to me.
So I ended up picking the chicken and spinach platter.
It wasn’t that great, even though he had raved about the restaurant, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I didn’t say anything about it. And when the bill came, he paid. Oh wait, did I say he paid?
What I meant to say was that he only paid for his portion.
It’s not that I think that guys should always be the one who pay, but he was the one who asked me out to dinner, he picked the restaurant, and I was really not liking the meal. Plus it was our first date, and I just wasn’t impressed by this move. But it’s okay, I sucked it up and paid my part, even though the price of the food was definitely not worth it.
We walked out of the restaurant, and I remembered that originally, we had planned to go out after to see some live music. I wasn’t sure I was in the mood anymore. But I thought maybe I could just head out there for a bit, and take my car and leave whenever I wanted. “Are you parked out front?” I asked my date, who by this point, I wasn’t thinking of as a date anymore. I didn’t know what it was.
And he said, “No, I don’t have a car. I thought I could just go with you.”
That’s when I decided to tell him that I was worried about my mom and think I’d be calling it a night and just head home. First the restaurant, then the food, then the strange conversation, then the bill, and now the car. It was all just turning me off. And I needed an out.
“Well, I’d like to take you out for dinner sometime.”
I was confused and said, “Wait, then what was this? I thought we just had dinner.”
He laughed and said, “Well, I thought we could go to the Nam or something like that.”
“I love the Nam”, I replied. “Yah? Well, I though I could choose some dishes that we could share.”
“But if there was something on the menu that I wanted to order, I could right?”- I asked not as a real question, but just more as a comment.
He said, “Well, I don’t really like to support things that I don’t believe in.”
“Huh?” I responded at first, confused.
But then, in that silence, the whole night started flashing back on me, and finally, out of my mouth breaking the silence, came,
“Oh my God, I ordered chicken!”
“What?” he said, as if playing dumb.
But it hadn’t dawned on me until that moment. “I ordered chicken tonight,” I repeated. “Oh my God. If I had not ordered chicken tonight, would you have paid for my meal?”
“Yes,” he said, straight out. No hesitation.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked, completely shocked.
“Well, I just don’t like to pay for things I don’t believe in,” he answered.
Wow! Here I was being so respectful of his decision to be vegan, but little did I realize that I was not being respected for my choice. I was being punished, on this first date, for being a poultry eater.
At that point, it was all clear to me. It was not because this guy was vegan that there was a problem. It was not that I am an eater of chicken that was the problem. The problem was that he decided that unless I do things his way, he wouldn’t be okay with my way.
“Sorry, did I ruin things for us by saying that?”
“So, if on our next date, you are going to tell me how or what I should eat, then what is it going to be the following date?- Are you going to tell me what I should wear or what I should say too?”
No, sorry, Mr. Veganizer. Compassion towards animals should also be expanded towards compassion and understanding towards your fellow humans. Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with people who choose a vegan diet. I have friends who swear by it and I can appreciate the benefits of it. But you can’t force someone to be like you, or to respect your choices, if you don’t show respect for theirs. And maybe next time, on your dating profile, you should make it clear that “Vegans, and women who want to be told how to live their life, need only respond.” Dates, especially first dates, are not intended for you to change the person in front of you by making them live their life the way you want them to.
When I got home, I got a friend request and a personal message from someone with Vegan in their facebook profile name. I knew it was the Veganizer. He had sent me a whole list of reasons why I should be vegan. So now I’ve just written a list of reasons in this post of why you should never date this particular Veganizer. Again, it’s not the fact that he’s vegan that was the problem. It’s that he decided that in one date, he thought he would convert me, instead of realizing that he lost the chance for a second date because he didn’t show me he wanted to know ME.
"Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So drink. Drink and be filled up."
- Stephen King
in On Writing.
----------
"We... write to heighten our own awareness of life... We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection... We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it... to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth... to expand our world, when we feel strangled, contricted, lonely... When I don't write I feel my world shrinking. I feel I lose my fire, my color."
Anais Nin
- in The Diary of Anais Nin, V.5
Yes, you know the list I’m talking about. The one that lays down exactly what I’m looking for in a guy -the ultimate one. The one I’ve been waiting for but hasn’t shown up …yet. Notice how I say YET. That means I still believe in him. I just don’t know how or when he will appear. Maybe he needs some help, to know that I know exactly what I want and won’t settle for any less, … than HIM.
d tattooed on the fist of the youngish Indian guy behind the till. Well, to be exact, if you imagine someone making a fist, and then banging that fist on a table, the part of the hand and fist that would make contact with the table- that’s where the tattoo was. I thought I imagined what I saw, because it didn’t seem likely that this fit, young, guy would have this inscribed on his hand. Maybe I am imagining it because I know it’s on my mind, I thought.
For so many years, I hid behind my books, my studies, and my big, dorky, pink glasses, while my classmates went to pool parties, skating field trips, and skiing getaways. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking stupid in front of other kids. I felt so uncoordinated playing sports, while they seemed to come so naturally to the other kids. Sure, those years being studious and all ‘in my head’ had their own payoffs. I got good grades, I was a stronger writer or reader than some of my classmates, and I built up good work habits that I still use to this day. But I should have been building those academic skills out of choice, not as a scapegoat. I needed to have more balance in my life, and include more social and physical activities in my day.
irst the restaurant, then the food, then the strange conversation, then the bill, and now the car. It was all just turning me off. And I needed an out.
Scribble it Down 
