“I don’t get it. Why are you still single?”
I hear these words often. Maybe some of you do too. But they came, more recently, from a guy who I really, really liked. So when the words were followed by, “You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re a sweetheart… Is there something you’re hiding under there I don’t know about?” I smiled, I giggled, I swooned, and blushed.
I took it all in as a compliment, because surely, that’s how he intended it to come across, right?
It took me a few weeks of knowing him, a couple of weeks of dating him, and a big misunderstanding, as well as his response to it all, to have a change in perspective. He told me that he discovered he was right all along- that I am crazy, and that’s why I am single.
I was hurt, and sad, and angry at first. I think this had all come about because I was feeling a change in his behaviour, more specifically how he was treating me, and I said something about it. But out of that came this other unexpected realization. It was as if he was waiting for “it”. The thing that would reveal why in fact I was single. Like it was inevitable that this would end because he had already decided before we even started dating that there must be something wrong with me. Because why else would I not be married or in a relationship already? So he was looking for it, anything to latch on to and say, Aha! I found it. And so, as he wished, he thought he did solve the “mystery” when I voiced my opinion about feeling hurt that he was cancelling on me and being less considerate all of a sudden.
Sure, maybe it was the way I said it, maybe it was that it wasn’t said in person. But he didn’t give me any chances to because he was keeping himself busy and kept putting me off. I didn’t want to wait any longer but wanted to be honest about my feelings.
He did not put up any fight to keep me in his life. In fact, he almost seemed relieved to have me go. We said our civil but quite empty goodbyes. Even that was over texting. Gosh, what has this world come to? 😦 But it made me look at this initial question of “Why are you still single” from a different perspective.
Why and how did this assumption that all single people must have something wrong with them come about? Where did this idea that we are not whole, perfect beings unless we are in a relationship originate? And does this mean that there is also an assumption that all those who are married or in a relationship are absolutely perfect, without any faults? Because we KNOW that is not true.
The funny thing is that I admire people who are single and don’t always have to have someone there with them in a relationship. It’s hard. And it takes strength, and courage, and confidence. And even when you don’t have the confidence, and you do it anyway, it takes guts. Being comfortable in your own company means that you have worked on yourself, in some way or another. It takes a very strong person, someone who is not afraid to be themselves, to walk solo into a restaurant or a party or family gathering, and say, “Here I am! Me, just me.. And me on my own is enough. I don’t have to have someone on my arm in order to feel worthy.” It takes a strong person to walk into a restaurant and say, “Yes!” without any shame or embarrassment, when the waiter asks if it’s a table for one. And there should be nothing wrong with that.
Why is this even something that should be of concern? Of course, we don’t want to be alone. But being single doesn’t mean that you are lonely. Sometimes, the most loneliest times of my life were when I was waking up to someone every morning, in a relationship, that should have, from society’s standards, made me feel whole. But I was sad, and didn’t feel valued, and wasn’t made a priority.
As a single person, I make myself a priority. It is not a selfishness or a dislike of other people. It doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to socialize or that I can’t attract someone of the opposite sex. It means that I don’t just want any “someone” in my life. I want the right one, the person who is going to appreciate me, and put time into me, and someone whose values are in line with mine.
I won’t be in a relationship just to say I’m not single, just to appear “chosen” and loveable. I know my worth. I know I am worthy of love. But I want to give that love and open it to someone worthy of it as well.
Now if that makes me crazy, well, then I’m crazy. I wouldn’t want to be any other way. Besides, I know Mr. Right would be enamored by my crazy. And that’s a relationship worth waiting for.
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