Scribble it Down

Gratitude Journal- Day 8- October 17, 2016.

Secret Heart

☆ Secret Heart- by Ron Sexsmith. Thank you, Rebecca for introducing me to the song a few years back- the original by Sexsmith, but also the Feist cover.

☆ So glad I put the Feist version on my ipod way back then, and that it was in the round of songs that played on shuffle while Agata was over recently. When that particular song came on, her eyes lit up. She seemed to really like it even though it was new to her. I had totally forgotten about that track. But her loving it reminded me, or allowed me to see, how much I loved it too. And just like that, it became our song! The one we were looking for.

☆ I am so grateful for songs that have come in and out of my life. Like a soundtrack to my experiences, they bring back memories of people, places emotions and perceptions I had at various points in time. And as Madonna says, “Music. Makes the people… Come together. Yeah.” So true. So absolutely true. Oh, the people who you MuSIc have brought me together with. I can never thank you enough. I would never have imagined it.

☆ Grateful for the opportunity to learn to sing. It was a secret that I think my heart was keeping from me- that I wanted to sing- for much longer than I realized. But my head (or the equally insecure voices around me?) had convinced me that I was tone deaf, untalented, and that it was just ‘not me’. I thought it was only meant for ‘other’ people. You know, ‘the musical, singer types,’ whatever that means. But my heart knew better. It’s like it plotted to get me to my first voice lesson under whatever excuse would motivate me to just show up. I just wanted to improve my speaking voice because I thought I was misusing it I told myself. That was only part of the truth.

☆ Little did I know that my heart had another plan for me. A secret plan that I didn’t even know about. I am so glad that the rest of me just followed blindly. So what if I started in my thirties? At least I started at all. It was one of the best things I ever did. “Let her in on your secret heart.”

I am so grateful I was finally let in on that part of me that I couldn’t see or didn’t acknowledge was there. So grateful for the inspiring teachers that I still can’t believe I get to learn from – Spencer and Rebecca.

☆ I thought that if I ever had a secret to reveal – especially involving matters of the heart- it would be for a romantic love, my dream guy, the ultimate relationship. Turns out that it may have been romantic and dreamy in some sense, and also a relationship. But it wasn’t necessarily going to be with another person. Instead, it would be a journey through the arts, a journey to explore various creative passions, first writing, then dance, then singing. And all in relationship to myself. Each step helping to reveal more of a secret about myself, to myself.

☆ “This very secret, that you’re trying to reveal. Is the very same one, that you’re dying, to reveal. Just tell her how you feel.” In my case, I think the ‘her’ is me in this story. Through each one of those pursuits of various creative passions, I needed to finally tell myself that I wanted to do them, that I was capable of doing them, that I needed to drop the story I had been telling myself for most of my life, that I still tell myself sometimes, that ‘they aren’t me’. I need to embrace the fact that I was blessed to have Writing, Dance, Music and Singing come find me even when I was pretending to reject them because maybe I didn’t know if I was good enough for them? Oh, how my mom would be shaking her head at me right now for even writing that statement.

☆ A recent new secret passion ‘crush’ has crossed my path. Something I want to do, can’t see myself doing YET, but can’t let go of the idea that I need to do it. I was so lucky to be inspired by a group of talented, fearless, vulnerable, and open individuals last night who allowed me to share in this passion with them. I got to see them just go for it. And I wanted to be up there doing the same.

☆ Mom, I wish I had asked you what secrets your heart was yearning for. What kinds of dreams and goals and visions you had for yourself if you didn’t have to worry about the hardships of life that got in the way. What would you have wanted to become? Besides the Supermom that you already were. Where would you have wanted to go? Who would you have wanted to meet? What did you always want to try? Who did you admire and wish you were like?

I know my own answer to that one: I wish to be as authentic, loyal, loving and down to earth as my Mother. She knew how to value the little things. She knew how to imprint an everlasting impression on people’s hearts. I love you Mom, always and forever. It’s time for our Secret Hearts to be given room to be free and to be healed. Let’s do it together. Yes, of course I need your help. I will always need your help, Mom. Nothing will ever change that.