Absence does NOT make my heart grow fonder. Have I already written about this before? Well, here it goes again then, but this time, louder. It seems that some guys didn’t quite hear me the first time.
I used to think that there were certain qualities in a guy that I was looking for. You girls know what I mean- the “list”. The one with all the physical and emotional and spiritual traits of our ideal guy. Over the years, tall, dark and drop dead gorgeous got shoved down and replaced by authentic, honest and ambitious.
Yes, you know the list I’m talking about. The one that lays down exactly what I’m looking for in a guy -the ultimate one. The one I’ve been waiting for but hasn’t shown up …yet. Notice how I say YET. That means I still believe in him. I just don’t know how or when he will appear. Maybe he needs some help, to know that I know exactly what I want and won’t settle for any less, … than HIM.
Maybe I’ve confused him. Maybe just as he is about to show up, I hang out with a guy who doesn’t have any of the qualities that I want. And then MY guy thinks… hmmm… she’s not ready for me. So he ends up having to wait a little longer until I figure it out. No. Don’t wait! I am ready. Sometimes I mess up, because I lose my patience. But I still believe in you… I want to make it clear who you are and what I want. And what better time, than tonight- when I am at home on Valentine’s Day… without you, again.
☆ Secret Heart- by Ron Sexsmith. Thank you, Rebecca for introducing me to the song a few years back- the original by Sexsmith, but also the Feist cover.
☆ So glad I put the Feist version on my ipod way back then, and that it was in the round of songs that played on shuffle while Agata was over recently. When that particular song came on, her eyes lit up. She seemed to really like it even though it was new to her. I had totally forgotten about that track. But her loving it reminded me, or allowed me to see, how much I loved it too. And just like that, it became our song! The one we were looking for.
☆ I am so grateful for songs that have come in and out of my life. Like a soundtrack to my experiences, they bring back memories of people, places emotions and perceptions I had at various points in time. And as Madonna says, “Music. Makes the people… Come together. Yeah.” So true. So absolutely true. Oh, the people who you MuSIc have brought me together with. I can never thank you enough. I would never have imagined it.
☆ Grateful for the opportunity to learn to sing. It was a secret that I think my heart was keeping from me- that I wanted to sing- for much longer than I realized. But my head (or the equally insecure voices around me?) had convinced me that I was tone deaf, untalented, and that it was just ‘not me’. I thought it was only meant for ‘other’ people. You know, ‘the musical, singer types,’ whatever that means. But my heart knew better. It’s like it plotted to get me to my first voice lesson under whatever excuse would motivate me to just show up. I just wanted to improve my speaking voice because I thought I was misusing it I told myself. That was only part of the truth.
☆ Little did I know that my heart had another plan for me. A secret plan that I didn’t even know about. I am so glad that the rest of me just followed blindly. So what if I started in my thirties? At least I started at all. It was one of the best things I ever did. “Let her in on your secret heart.”
I am so grateful I was finally let in on that part of me that I couldn’t see or didn’t acknowledge was there. So grateful for the inspiring teachers that I still can’t believe I get to learn from – Spencer and Rebecca.
☆ I thought that if I ever had a secret to reveal – especially involving matters of the heart- it would be for a romantic love, my dream guy, the ultimate relationship. Turns out that it may have been romantic and dreamy in some sense, and also a relationship. But it wasn’t necessarily going to be with another person. Instead, it would be a journey through the arts, a journey to explore various creative passions, first writing, then dance, then singing. And all in relationship to myself. Each step helping to reveal more of a secret about myself, to myself.
☆ “This very secret, that you’re trying to reveal. Is the very same one, that you’re dying, to reveal. Just tell her how you feel.” In my case, I think the ‘her’ is me in this story. Through each one of those pursuits of various creative passions, I needed to finally tell myself that I wanted to do them, that I was capable of doing them, that I needed to drop the story I had been telling myself for most of my life, that I still tell myself sometimes, that ‘they aren’t me’. I need to embrace the fact that I was blessed to have Writing, Dance, Music and Singing come find me even when I was pretending to reject them because maybe I didn’t know if I was good enough for them? Oh, how my mom would be shaking her head at me right now for even writing that statement.
☆ A recent new secret passion ‘crush’ has crossed my path. Something I want to do, can’t see myself doing YET, but can’t let go of the idea that I need to do it. I was so lucky to be inspired by a group of talented, fearless, vulnerable, and open individuals last night who allowed me to share in this passion with them. I got to see them just go for it. And I wanted to be up there doing the same.
☆ Mom, I wish I had asked you what secrets your heart was yearning for. What kinds of dreams and goals and visions you had for yourself if you didn’t have to worry about the hardships of life that got in the way. What would you have wanted to become? Besides the Supermom that you already were. Where would you have wanted to go? Who would you have wanted to meet? What did you always want to try? Who did you admire and wish you were like?
I know my own answer to that one: I wish to be as authentic, loyal, loving and down to earth as my Mother. She knew how to value the little things. She knew how to imprint an everlasting impression on people’s hearts. I love you Mom, always and forever. It’s time for our Secret Hearts to be given room to be free and to be healed. Let’s do it together. Yes, of course I need your help. I will always need your help, Mom. Nothing will ever change that.
I interrupt the recent series of Unfortunate Dates to tell you about a good one, a really good date that just took place a few days ago. And… I advise you to go on it too!
A couple of days ago, I was taken to the exact place I wanted to go, at the exact time that was right for me, with company that allowed me to be myself, AND food and entertainment that was just my style.
Who was this amazing date you ask???
…..
tun ta da dun….
It was … ME!!!
What do I mean?
I mean, I was my date! – You heard me. (The picture of the couple was just there to fool you).
I took ME (myself) on a date, and it was actually an awesome night. I highly recommend you do it too! No silly, I’m not saying that YOU should take ME on a date too, but that you should take YOURSELF on a date! (unless of course you are a charming, funny, handsome guy that knows just how to treat me. Then I would gladly accept you also taking me out on a date, but that’s a whole other blog post).
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. You’re distracting me.
Where were we? Oh yes, taking yourself out on a date. I believe it is something everyone should do, whether you are single, in a relationship, even married, and especially if you’re not sure what your relationship status is (in that case, you might really benefit from this even more).
I know, I know. Isn’t that kind of sad, or even pathetic, you’re thinking? Because really, if you’re out alone, well, doesn’t that mean you are lonely, and a loner, and a loser who just plain doesn’t have any friends? RUBBISH! That is just a bunch of baloney. I have great friends, and sure, I’m single. But sometimes, I just want to do my own thing. And after the other night, I hope that whether I’m in a relationship or not, that I remember to take myself out on dates more regularly.
Why? Because it is adventurous, good for the soul, is the best way to get to know yourself, and it is fun! It grounds you and reminds you of how you want to be treated, and it gives you an excuse to go out and dress up and spend a night exactly the way you want it to wherever you want to go! There is a difference between taking yourself out on a date because you’re lonely and down on yourself- like you have no other choice- versus taking yourself out on a date because…. it’s fun and you know you’re worth it and you’re CHOOSING it intentionally.Read the rest of this entry »
Last night I went on a date, … but,… it wasn’t mine..
Let me explain.
A friend of mine had been writing to a couple of guys on a dating site. And one of them had invited her to a party at his place. It was a gathering of his friends for his birthday. “Bring your friends,” he suggested in his message.
My friend was not used to going to parties of people she didn’t know. “I’m not always the best in social situations like that,” she told me. I disagreed, and felt that she’d be fine on her own. But she hadn’t met this guy in person yet, and she didn’t really know what to expect. So finally, she asked me if I would be interested in joining her. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s a question Paulo Coelho explores extensively in his book Veronika Decides to Die. It’s about a young woman Veronika, who attempts suicide, but ends up in a mental institution instead. And through her time inside the institute, she ends up realizing that part of her problem, why she had lost her will to live, was that she never did crazy things- crazy out of the ordinary, everyday life she was leading. Everything was always the same for her, to the point where she wasn’t feeling any emotions any more- not happiness or excitement, but not even sadness or hatred. But once she spent time with other patients who were thought to be crazy as well, Veronika was free to express herself without inhibition. And who were the real crazies, the ones in the mental institute or the ones on the outside, was called into question. Because through her experience of trying to end her life, Veronika finds reasons to live.
Is it crazy that I spent most of the day finishing the book in my hotel room when I could have been adventuring in a new city? Is it crazy that sometimes the worlds created in our imagination can seem more inviting than the real ones around us? But that these worlds, imaginative as they be, can also move us to do real and grand things? Is it crazy that the author of the book- Coelho himself- was put into a mental institute by his parents because they thought his obsession with art was insane? Is it crazy that this same author, without me having even met him, has changed my life forever? And he continues to change it with every new word I read of his? Is it crazy that such a genius was imprisoned and tortured, yet he made it out of all of that only to become one of the best writers in the world? Who is really the crazy one? The one who believes and perseveres, or the one who shuts him down and tells him he cannot achieve his ‘crazy’ dreams?
I couldn’t believe when I just heard that Robin Williams, one of the funniest and most talented actors that I can remember, recently passed away. And he was believed to have died by suicide. To me it is crazy that someone who entertained millions, and made so many people laugh, could have been so down about his own life that he didn’t think it worth living. I think it crazy that sometimes, we assume we know what is going on with someone, when in reality, we might have no clue, because we are taught to hide our real emotions. I think it is crazy that it is often the masks we hide behind to protect us that actually hurt us more than we realize.
I think part of the reason we loved the characters that Robin Williams played was because they were crazy, or had a little bit of craziness in them. They were unique, and fun, different and courageous. Yet in real life, we encourage people to be the same, to act ‘normal’, to fit into what society portrays as sane, to be complacent, and avoid standing out.
Veronika, Coelho, Williams and so many others, including all of us, deserve to be a little crazy sometimes. As long as it does not involve unnecessary pain or hurt towards others, I think changing things up a little, doing something out of the ordinary, or something new, keeps us enjoying life, and finding our true selves, and feeling free to celebrate our individuality.
Be crazy- not crazy foolish, or crazy destructive or crazy cruel. But crazy courageous, crazy cool! Do something crazy today that moves you to be your real you!
“I’ve been too afraid to make a choice, ’cause I’m scared of the things that I might be missing.”- India Arie
Although in this quote, India Arie might not have been referring specifically to the choice between writing and living,… I think it sums up the dilemma I often struggle with: being scared that the time I spend writing is time lost LIVING.
I “write” all the time. Not always on paper, but in my head- when I’m talking to friends, while I’m watching movies, while I am sleeping, as soon as I get up, and while I am driving. It doesn’t all get scribbled down, but the stories start formulating in my mind, the lyrics build up, and the poetry emerges, at least the beginnings of it. Sometimes they get lost, or I am able to jot down some semblance of the original thoughts once I am home or somewhere where I can comfortably record what I remember. Sometimes, it comes out the way I hoped or even better, but other times, MOST of the time, it just doesn’t sound the way I imagined it would on paper. And then I have to muster up the courage to just let it go, and have faith that it will turn into something if I just give it a chance.
This can be magical and beautiful. But many times, this realization is overwhelming- the amount of time I spend creating for writing, and thinking about writing, on top of the actual writing. And the amount that gets lost between thought, ideas, and putting pen to paper. And then I wonder should I be OUT there, being part of the stories, living my own story, instead of trying to paint a picture in words of half stories or past experiences and broken memories whose truths and fiction I can usually no longer distinguish?
I am looking out of the 36th floor of this beautiful high rise apartment right now, from a living room that is all made up of tall glass windows. And the streets are already filled at 8:15am, with cars and and people, lights and living, and an energy and movement that I think I want to be in. Yet, I am standing in front of a computer screen, trying to gather my thoughts, which I still think are coming out not at all the way I expected. Am I just writing my life away?
But then I remember that when I AM out there, among the world of the “living”, all I want to do is be IN somewhere- a coffee shop, a quiet cabin, a quaint park with a wooden bench, or a new city- to be inspired, to carve words into creative images, and to connect with others by sharing stories and poetry that touches hearts or speaks to a stranger.
The world is moving but can seem so disconnected sometimes. And then I recall what keeps me connected, whether I’m in a foreign place, or alone exploring around home, or unsure of where to go next- words. Words from songs, words from signs, words from novels, words from other story tellers who carved a space in their outside living to allow others to share in their experiences. That’s what connects me. These little scribblings on paper that say something, that dance across the page in a rhythm that reminds me of the harmony existing all around me.
And then it hits me- To live or to write? I don’t need to choose one or the other. They both enhance each other. Without the experiences I have while living, I could not have material for writing. And without writing, I would not be able to reflect and see the depth and beauty of the life I am living.
Although this blog is about writing to create ideas, and the power of the written word, another way to drum up ideas and organize your thoughts is to speak them first. I like to talk to some good friends about a topic or idea, to give it shape, to hear myself say what I want to say out loud, and to help me find my focus and true intent.
This can be so helpful not just with personal matters, but also in formulating your ideas for writing assignments, whether creative or expository, or … as was the case with me, in writing a letter of intent for a program I recently became interested in.
My friend Renee helped me so much this afternoon, as I spilled out all the things that were running through my head about what I wanted to say in my letter. I just didn’t know how to put it all together. And after talking to Renee, and recording my conversation with her, I was able to start putting my thoughts together in a more meaningful way. She listened, and provided me with her own feedback.
But when I heard back the conversation on my recorder, what I didn’t expect was to also see how Renee’s thoughts came together in such a reflective and inspiring manner. I was impressed. She wasn’t even needing to talk about this topic, nor was she probably aware of all the great things she was saying. But I was, and… I got it on tape. So… I’d like to share one part of it here. It’s beautiful. Thanks Renee! 🙂
Renee’s thoughts on
Having Questions Answered, Being Part of a Movement,
and Your Super Power of Knowledge
“This is the way I see it:
You were looking for answers and no one had answers. You were asking one doctor, and they said one thing. And then you asked another doctor, and they said another thing. Some people had old views about it, some people had new views about it. So it didn’t seem like everyone was on board with the same kind of belief or even the facts. What are the facts? No one seemed to have the facts.
And so there should be more teachers out there on this subject, teachers who have the facts. Then, when somebody goes online, or is looking around and wants to find something or someone to get the right information they can do it easily. Over time, with these courses, there will be more teachers out there. It will just be a thing where you just know where to go, kind of like knowledge about diseases right now. With some diseases, they are finally being talked about more. But in the past, parents who had kids with for example, down syndrome or mental illnesses, they didn’t know where to go. They didn’t know who to go see. But now they are getting more information and have places to go and ask questions.
And that’s how teachers and information start to grow overtime. It’s because something is born out of a question. And people are wondering “What do I do?” And somebody starts doing something about it. You’re kind of in the movement right now. You want to be a part of the movement of people who start to grow this talk. And then more people will know about it. And it won’t even be so hard to find the information anymore. It will be like you just go on Google, and there will be people upon people who know about this stuff, the correct information. And they won’t be scared to share it, and others will be less scared to receive it. And they’ll be well educated about the topic.
And I like the way you included your experiences about the past. Because the past does matter, so that people can understand your background and how you got to this place, how you got interested in this subject. But then I think absolutely, you should go with what you envision doing with this ‘power’ that you’re going to have after getting this education.
Think about it like a super power. What will you do with this super power, with this knowledge?
What is your intent and why? Do you just want to know it for yourself? Because some people want to go to school just to gain their own knowledge. But really, the question is what do you want to do with it and why?
What sparks you to want to do this?
And I think that what sparks you is that there isn’t enough out there to help others with this topic. There was nothing out there to help you, and so if you can get that something for yourself, then you can help others to get it too.”
Thank you Nadine Stair for first writing your “If I Had My Life to Live Over” poem years ago. Thank you Wendy McHardy for posting it on your fridge way back when we were in high school or sometime back then. And thank you to the universe for having the poem find its way back to me, in a way that I could get inspired not just in reading the poem but in creating my own. I love that this poem gives me a model and a kind of license to continually write and rewrite my own version… of the poem, and of my life 🙂 (To learn how this idea began for me- including Stair’s original poem- and how you can make your own “If I Had My Life to Live Over” piece, click here: Resolution: To become what you might have been).
Here it is:
If I Had My Life To Live Over by Tasleem Ria
If I had my life to live over
I would have less head and heartaches
and more lavender bubble baths.
I would escape to a cottage by a lake,
resting my feet and rejuvenating my writing mind.
If I had my life to live over
I would spend more time at airports,
soaking in the excitement of a new journey
and meeting people from all cultures and continents.
I would travel to the foreign faces and lands that call to me in my dreams,
and would be able to speak many languages, fluently.
"Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So drink. Drink and be filled up."
- Stephen King
in On Writing.
----------
"We... write to heighten our own awareness of life... We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection... We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it... to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth... to expand our world, when we feel strangled, contricted, lonely... When I don't write I feel my world shrinking. I feel I lose my fire, my color."
Anais Nin
- in The Diary of Anais Nin, V.5
Yes, you know the list I’m talking about. The one that lays down exactly what I’m looking for in a guy -the ultimate one. The one I’ve been waiting for but hasn’t shown up …yet. Notice how I say YET. That means I still believe in him. I just don’t know how or when he will appear. Maybe he needs some help, to know that I know exactly what I want and won’t settle for any less, … than HIM.
ing, to reveal. Just tell her how you feel.” In my case, I think the ‘her’ is me in this story. Through each one of those pursuits of various creative passions, I needed to finally tell myself that I wanted to do them, that I was capable of doing them, that I needed to drop the story I had been telling myself for most of my life, that I still tell myself sometimes, that ‘they aren’t me’. I need to embrace the fact that I was blessed to have Writing, Dance, Music and Singing come find me even when I was pretending to reject them because maybe I didn’t know if I was good enough for them? Oh, how my mom would be shaking her head at me right now for even writing that statement.
cted, whether I’m in a foreign place, or alone exploring around home, or unsure of where to go next- words. Words from songs, words from signs, words from novels, words from other story tellers who carved a space in their outside living to allow others to share in their experiences. That’s what connects me. These little scribblings on paper that say something, that dance across the page in a rhythm that reminds me of the harmony existing all around me. 
Scribble it Down 