☆ Secret Heart- by Ron Sexsmith. Thank you, Rebecca for introducing me to the song a few years back- the original by Sexsmith, but also the Feist cover.
☆ So glad I put the Feist version on my ipod way back then, and that it was in the round of songs that played on shuffle while Agata was over recently. When that particular song came on, her eyes lit up. She seemed to really like it even though it was new to her. I had totally forgotten about that track. But her loving it reminded me, or allowed me to see, how much I loved it too. And just like that, it became our song! The one we were looking for.
☆ I am so grateful for songs that have come in and out of my life. Like a soundtrack to my experiences, they bring back memories of people, places emotions and perceptions I had at various points in time. And as Madonna says, “Music. Makes the people… Come together. Yeah.” So true. So absolutely true. Oh, the people who you MuSIc have brought me together with. I can never thank you enough. I would never have imagined it.
☆ Grateful for the opportunity to learn to sing. It was a secret that I think my heart was keeping from me- that I wanted to sing- for much longer than I realized. But my head (or the equally insecure voices around me?) had convinced me that I was tone deaf, untalented, and that it was just ‘not me’. I thought it was only meant for ‘other’ people. You know, ‘the musical, singer types,’ whatever that means. But my heart knew better. It’s like it plotted to get me to my first voice lesson under whatever excuse would motivate me to just show up. I just wanted to improve my speaking voice because I thought I was misusing it I told myself. That was only part of the truth.
☆ Little did I know that my heart had another plan for me. A secret plan that I didn’t even know about. I am so glad that the rest of me just followed blindly. So what if I started in my thirties? At least I started at all. It was one of the best things I ever did. “Let her in on your secret heart.”
I am so grateful I was finally let in on that part of me that I couldn’t see or didn’t acknowledge was there. So grateful for the inspiring teachers that I still can’t believe I get to learn from – Spencer and Rebecca.
☆ I thought that if I ever had a secret to reveal – especially involving matters of the heart- it would be for a romantic love, my dream guy, the ultimate relationship. Turns out that it may have been romantic and dreamy in some sense, and also a relationship. But it wasn’t necessarily going to be with another person. Instead, it would be a journey through the arts, a journey to explore various creative passions, first writing, then dance, then singing. And all in relationship to myself. Each step helping to reveal more of a secret about myself, to myself.
☆ “This very secret, that you’re trying to reveal. Is the very same one, that you’re dying, to reveal. Just tell her how you feel.” In my case, I think the ‘her’ is me in this story. Through each one of those pursuits of various creative passions, I needed to finally tell myself that I wanted to do them, that I was capable of doing them, that I needed to drop the story I had been telling myself for most of my life, that I still tell myself sometimes, that ‘they aren’t me’. I need to embrace the fact that I was blessed to have Writing, Dance, Music and Singing come find me even when I was pretending to reject them because maybe I didn’t know if I was good enough for them? Oh, how my mom would be shaking her head at me right now for even writing that statement.
☆ A recent new secret passion ‘crush’ has crossed my path. Something I want to do, can’t see myself doing YET, but can’t let go of the idea that I need to do it. I was so lucky to be inspired by a group of talented, fearless, vulnerable, and open individuals last night who allowed me to share in this passion with them. I got to see them just go for it. And I wanted to be up there doing the same.
☆ Mom, I wish I had asked you what secrets your heart was yearning for. What kinds of dreams and goals and visions you had for yourself if you didn’t have to worry about the hardships of life that got in the way. What would you have wanted to become? Besides the Supermom that you already were. Where would you have wanted to go? Who would you have wanted to meet? What did you always want to try? Who did you admire and wish you were like?
I know my own answer to that one: I wish to be as authentic, loyal, loving and down to earth as my Mother. She knew how to value the little things. She knew how to imprint an everlasting impression on people’s hearts. I love you Mom, always and forever. It’s time for our Secret Hearts to be given room to be free and to be healed. Let’s do it together. Yes, of course I need your help. I will always need your help, Mom. Nothing will ever change that.
☆ A surprise visit from a ‘surprise friend.’ I thought her original plan to come to Vancouver from Poland was no longer working out. And so I just went about my days, realizing or believing, that it just wasn’t meant to happen. But then,… surprise! She sends me a message all of a sudden that she is really coming here in mid October! Flight booked. Accommodations organized. Done. Just like that. My first response? WHAT?!!! And then YAY, Yay, Yay!!!
☆ Why did I call her a surprise friend? Well, if someone had told me that I’d meet a girl in a foreign country who loves music just as much, if not more, than I do. And that we’d stay in touch every day, many times a day, for months later, sharing songs, ideas, and being each other’s safe audience to sing and mess up and make mistakes freely in front of, I wouldn’t have believed them. Plus, it was all happening over whatsapp! Man, I never knew how grateful I would be for whatsapp. But yeah, that’s what happened, and she’s here now, and I still can’t believe it! But it feels like I’ve known her forever.
☆ She sat at a coffee shop in the middle of one of the rainiest, windiest days in Vancouver, waiting for me. And she had the biggest smile on her face, even though recent events had made her a little heavy hearted. And we listened and encouraged and shared perspectives and advice. And I loved how each moment seemed to lighten the weight on her until she was skipping and hopping around in my apartment, giddy and excited to just be in this city and to be catching up in person.
☆ My dresses fit her! The ones I couldn’t seem to have the heart to get rid of and just give away because they seemed too nice to give to a random charity or person. But at the same time, I know they would just continue to sit in my closet, unworn. So I thought, hmm… maybe I could show them to my friend. Sure, she’s slimmer, and has fair skin with long, curly blond hair. So maybe the colours and size wouldnt even fit? But you never know, right?
Wow! You don’t know. ALL of the dresses looked great on her and there were at least five. She was thrilled to take them. The smile that grew on her face each time she came out of the bathroom twirling around in front of the full length mirror to show off another dress … well, I knew they were going to the right person. She even chose one to spend the rest of the day in. A short, fitted dress, in windy, rainy Vancouver. Haha! That was awesome! And it looked like it was made for her.
☆ The surprise journal gift and pen she bought me- from the Chopin Museum too! It was perfect- “It’s so that you keep writing your songs,” she explained. Well, little did she know I had a little gift of my own for her as well. Uhmmm… it was also a journal I bought to encourage her to write and record her own song ideas as well. It had stylized colorful figures all holding hands around a vibrant, smiling sun on the cover. So fitting. It really is a small world. All under the same sun and moon even though we might be in totally different parts of the world. And it’s fascinating how life brings people together. I am so grateful that life brought us together.
☆ Scheming to surprise a mutual friend of ours who didn’t know that this surprise friend was even in town. We refrained from posting anything on facebook until the surprise took place. THAT was hard because we were so excited. But, I think our efforts paid off. The surprise was successful from what I heard. I wasn’t there to witness it, but I can’t wait to hear about it soon when we all three meet up on Monday afternoon.
☆ I wish you could have met my friend, Mom. She took the framed picture of you off of my shelf for a moment and held it in front of her, looking as if she genuinely wanted to observe and know you more closely. Thank you for giving me the heart and qualities that allow me to connect to such wonderful people from all over the world, Mom. Whenever anyone gives me a compliment, my favorite response these days is, “Thank you. My mother made me that way.” It’s true. Everything that is good about me came from you, and from your mother as well. I hope she is taking care of you up there
Sitting in my new apartment, I know there are corners that still need to be fixed- like the cabinet door that is loose under the kitchen counter, and the drawer where my utensils are that gets stuck sometimes. There is the issue with the water spitting out too much onto the tiles outside the bathtub after I shower, and the sun beating down so strongly that my living room oftens feels more like a hot yoga studio. But I am typing away at my computer, relieved that I’m here and settled for now, because it was only a couple of months ago that I was on a crazy search which I thought would never end- a search for a place to live. It was frantic, disappointing and exhausting. And it dawned on me the other day that running around looking for apartments reminded me of something else that frustrated me so much, something that I vowed never to do again. That something is online dating.
What does online dating have to do with looking for apartments you ask? Well, actually, I have found that they have a lot of similarities which I must share with you now.
My favorite site right now for inspiring articles is Elephant Journal. One recent post I saw on the site touched me a great deal. It was written by a mother, or an aspiring mother, named Rebecca Lammersen, who wished to share a beautiful gift with her daughters- advice, in the form of a list, of how to live a full life- 18 Life Lessons I Want My Daughters to Hear. All of them were completely in tune with my own beliefs and what I would wish to impart on kids if I had any of my own. But they also got me thinking about additional points I would want to add, either because my mom shared them with me, or because I learned how important they were from my own experiences. So I decided to create my own list, inspired by Rebecca’s. It begins with one I borrowed from her, as that one stood out to me as one of the most crucial. Thanks Rebecca for inspiring the rest of these:
20 Life Lessons I Would Want My Children to Hear- By Tasleem
1. “Never feel guilty for moving away from me, for traveling, or going on an adventure.” (that one was written by the original writer- Rebecca Lammersen).
2. Never burden yourself with what went on in our family before you came along. Be interested in our heritage and where you came from, but never feel that what went ‘wrong’ is yours to fix. It is not. We as your parents, as well as the generations before us, made our own choices. Some good, some not so good. But don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s your job to pay for those mistakes. It is NOT!
3. Family is not meant to hold you down, but lift you up. We give you foundation and values to develop your wings, in order to help you fly, but also to have a solid place to land back again whenever you need it. Don’t let anyone cage or hold down your wings, not even family.
4. Don’t chase people. Have a variety of friends, and also be your own best friend, so that whenever anyone is not around, you don’t feel the need to chase. The people who are real friends will be there for you without you having to run after them.
5. Love openly, no matter what colour, race, religion or language the person is. Feel free to love who your heart tells you to. I don’t care even if the person doesn’t speak the same language as us, as long as they treat you like the beautiful soul that you are- with respect, affection, compassion and commitment. I will learn their language if need be. As long as you are happy with that person.
6. The important events of your life- your birthdays, your marriage- should be celebrated the way you want to. They are your days. Don’t let anyone tell you how to live them. Not even me.
7. Find your own ‘dance’ in life- whether it be a sport, painting, running, meditation, music. Just do something that enlivens your spirit and allows you to express who you are. Don’t ever abandon the activities that make you feel truly happy, no matter what they are.
8. Never let anyone tell you you can’t do something. I think that’s how Will Smith said it in the Pursuit of Happyness. It’s true. When people tell you this, it is usually coming from their own fears. Disregard the fears if it is something you really want. Go after it. “No heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.” That’s what Paulo Coelho said. Read his books, especially the Alchemist.
9. Travel, Laugh, and Listen to Music. The first will open your eyes to the world, and all the beautiful people in it, the second will keep you enjoying the world around you, and the third will remind you of the rhythm of life. It is all around you. Just listen.
10. Cry. It is not a weakness. It shows that you feel, it allows you to let go of anything piling up inside you, and it makes you real and human.
11. Everything happens for a reason. It really does. And the Universe is always looking out for you. So am I.
12. Spend time alone. Get to know yourself. Don’t be afraid to go to movies or a restaurant or to travel by yourself. It is the best way to meet new people, to become centered and to appreciate your surroundings and your uniqueness.
13. I might be your mother, but that does not mean I am always right. My mother once said to me, “I like that we are different. It means that I can learn something from you too.” I am saying the same to you.
14. Never give up. The words of Winston Churchill and my mother, your grandmother. Never give up.
15. Be yourself. There is only one you. I am so proud to have made that you, and the Universe wants you here for a reason, a reason completely separate from anyone else’s reason for being here. Learn from Tigger: “The most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I’m the only one. I’m the only one.” You are the only you. Let that you shine through and don’t hide it.
16. It’s okay not to fit in. In fact, it’s beautiful, it’s authentic, it’s real. Be real.
17. Stand up for what you believe, even if everyone else believes something different.
18. Play. Play outside, play inside, run around, make noise, make sand castles, draw, and blow bubbles. Play should be mandatory in the curriculum at any age, for any program, even at work in businesses.
19. Exercise- whatever form you want, but do it. Your body, but also your mind and spirit need it.
20. I will still be with you, even after I leave this earth. I might just take a different form- like a cool breeze on a warm day, or a full moon shining over you, or the rain washing away your sorrows. It is not just your imagination. I am with you always.
I saw this line in a writer’s bio recently, and she definitely lived up to it. Her article oozed openness, authenticity, honesty, … no holding back. I felt as if I knew her as there seemed to be no mask between us. Each of her words connected with me somehow, as if she knew a part of me too. Yet, I was aware that we were different.
See, I envied her freedom in her writing and in the person that shone through her words, and I wanted to be just as free and real. I realized that what made her art beautiful, what allowed her to connect with me and probably hundreds or thousands of other readers, was her courage to be vulnerable, to get naked on the page, as she so aptly put it. And so I decided that 2015 is my year to explore vulnerability, to welcome it, and to get ‘naked’ both on and off the page. Anyone want to join me?
I used to think that vulnerability was a weakness. That it was about being small, scared, and easily hurt. I just didn’t want to be it- vulnerable, that is. So I avoided situations where my vulnerability would show through, even though deep down inside, I imagined it
was just written all over me- ‘Little Miss Vulnerable’. I hid in the girl’s bathroom at school when I felt like I didn’t fit in or had no one to play with at recess. I didn’t put up a fight when my mother wrote me sick notes to get me out of P.E. class because I always thought I was going to be picked last in games anyway. I didn’t want to keep fumbling a ball and missing a catch, or for my classmates to wait for me while I was the last at the finish line in track practice.
I hated running, yet I seemed to be good at running from the things that made me feel inadequate. For so many years, I hid behind my books, my studies, and my big, dorky, pink glasses, while my classmates went to pool parties, skating field trips, and skiing getaways. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking stupid in front of other kids. I felt so uncoordinated playing sports, while they seemed to come so naturally to the other kids. Sure, those years being studious and all ‘in my head’ had their own payoffs. I got good grades, I was a stronger writer or reader than some of my classmates, and I built up good work habits that I still use to this day. But I should have been building those academic skills out of choice, not as a scapegoat. I needed to have more balance in my life, and include more social and physical activities in my day.
No one reminded me that NOT doing those activities that I was scared of wasn’t going to somehow make me magically better at them one day. No one told me that you can’t run from all your fears, or all your ‘shortcomings’ all your life, because boy, do they catch up with you in other ways. Sure, I might not have to go to P.E. class now as an adult, and I can choose the types of parties I want to go to. But, what about the skill of falling and getting back up that I missed out on?
If you were like me and didn’t take the opportunities to fall and make mistakes when you were younger, to scrape your knee, or lose your grip on the monkey bars, or let go of the rail at the ice rink or risk looking into the eyes of the guy sitting next to you to see how he really feels, then learning to get back up as an adult isn’t just hard, it’s unfamiliar.
“I will make better mistakes next time,” are the words written across a t-shirt my voice teacher owns. She knows the power of allowing yourself to make ‘mistakes’ and take chances, to not get stuck in the idea of ‘what it’s supposed to be like.’ In fact, she uses vulnerability as a tool to connect with her audiences. “Be naked” was the advice she actually gave me a year ago when I was practising to sing in front of a bunch of people for the first time. We often hear that one of the best ways to get over ‘stage fright’ is to picture your audience naked. But my voice teacher allowed me to see that giving of yourself- nerves, emotions, and all- to the audience, rather than taking or expecting a reaction from them, makes for a stronger connection. Because by simply being who you are, and what you feel, at that moment, you let the audience in to that energy of authenticity as well. And this gives them permission to be real and vulnerable too. “In order for connection to happen, you have to allow yourself to be ‘seen.’- to be vulnerable.”(See TED Talk link attached below). And this allows your audience to do the same.
When it was finally time for me to go up to the mic and sing, I was so nervous that my hands got really shaky. I remember regretting taking the mic off the stand as soon as I realized I couldn’t keep my hand still. Once it was over, I wanted to scream out “I can do it better, really!” I had worked hard practising those songs for months. I was so angry at myself for not pulling it off the way I had hoped. The little girl I was so long ago seemed to come sneaking back to me. “Why did I have to embarrass myself by getting up there?” she asked. “Why didn’t I just ask for another sick note, or hide in the bathroom like I always did,” she demanded. “We were safer there,” she reminded me.
I had to ask myself the same question- why DID I even bother doing these ‘scary’ things, that didn’t have any sort of sure outcome? It is uncomfortable to open up and share your feelings, especially when you don’t know how your nerves are going to hold up. You might get shaky hands, you might miss that monkey bar, you may land your butt on the ice at the rink, or admitting you have a crush on that guy may result in your own crushed heart.
But what is the other option? To never know? Is there strength in that? When someone is vulnerable, they may feel small, scared, or easily hurt, yet the beauty in whatever they do is that they do it DESPITE feeling this way. They make mistakes not caring if the outcome is perfect or not- “The courage to be imperfect” (TED Talk below). COURAGE, not weakness. Vulnerability is about being brave. It is not about being scared, and running away. It’s about being scared, and still facing that fear and sometimes running right towards it. And learning to “Lean into the discomfort of it,” is part of the art of using vulnerability to fully live life. Paulo Coelho, my favorite writer, actually refers to those who live in this way as Warriors.
And thinking back, I realized it wasn’t the kids who threw a ball perfectly, or the classmates who ran the fastest, or those who skied down the toughest slopes that necessarily stood out to me. It was those kids who ran and stumbled, and laughed it off and got right back up again – they were the ones that I admired. They said what they really felt. They just tried everything, and had fun, mistakes and all!
What we often forget is that when we are so open to the things that may possibly hurt us, this means that we are also open to more joy, passion and freedom than the people out there who don’t take these risks. “The passion is IN taking the risk.”* And I want to live a passionate life.
Being vulnerable is being free. You, unlike the less vulnerable, are not hiding behind a façade, a persona that you think others want to see or want you to be. There is no space for the regret that comes from not trying. Instead, as the one who is vulnerable, you bare it all- naked- for everyone to see you just as you are. And they can take it or leave it. You may still be anxious about what others think about you, yet, you let that go. You know that the only way you can truly be faithful to yourself is to take that risk. You have decided that saving that uniqueness about you is worth it.
And then I realized that as an adult, I have had some instances of vulnerability that I can be proud of.
Besides learning to sing, and starting to take opportunities to sing in front of others, I also joined a performance dance group, even though I was terrified of dancing in front of people years ago. But I wanted to get over that, and so I learned to trust that my body would remember the steps, and sequence, despite my nerves. It wasn’t perfect, but I actually had fun making mistakes here and there, and figuring out how to still dance through them and keep smiling.
I also traveled to a few places on my own, without knowing a single person there, and sometimes without even knowing much of the language of the country either. Yet, I learned to communicate in some form or another, and sometimes I got lost. But, other times, the ‘wrong’ turns took me to places that I didn’t even know I needed to go.
There have been a few times that my travels were for ‘love’ or at least for some sort of tug I was feeling at my heart strings. For example, after writing to a particular guy for over a year, I decided to go out and see him in the states. It took a bus ride and a flight to get there, but before I arrived, he decided to let me know that he suddenly wasn’t comfortable meeting up with me. Of course, I was hurt and confused. I learned that I mistook the whole thing for something it wasn’t, including the kind of guy I thought he was, not just on a romantic level but even as a friend. He didn’t really care about me. All those emails, all those emotions built up… I was embarrassed at how much time I invested in it, in HIM. He would never have flown anywhere for me, so what was I thinking? But then, I realized that that is precisely why I should be proud of myself. It turned out that though I thought he was the courageous, outgoing one, I ended up being what I never thought I would be: someone who was brave enough to go find out rather than spending my life wondering.
The funny thing is that because I went there so open hearted, yes, I got hurt over the guy I had originally gone to see, but I met another guy while I was there, who actually treated me with the attention, affection, and respect I was looking for. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed him, or attracted him, if it wasn’t for how open my heart was at that time, even if it was wounded. This guy helped me smile, brought me laughter, but most of all, from the moment we met, he himself was open and unguarded with his feelings. He shared his passions and dreams with me, even though we hadn’t known each other very long. He knew I would be leaving to go back to Vancouver soon, and instead of letting that scare him, he made sure not to take his time with me for granted. He called me and asked me out within a couple of hours of meeting me, introduced me to his work colleagues, drove me around the city, shared his music and writing with me, and showed a genuine interest in me and who I was. We kept in touch for awhile, though things trickled off after a few months. But I think he was the universe’s way of showing me that taking chances and admitting my feelings for someone is a great thing. It may not have been reciprocated by the person my affection was aimed at, but sometimes, what you want comes to you from someone you didn’t even expect.
I have been lucky enough to make some inspiring friends who prove to me each day that being vulnerable is beneficial and worth it. One of my friends left med school in England to pursue her passion for singing in New York. And now, after years of living in Brooklyn, singing, and being true to herself, she inspired me once again by pursuing a relationship with a guy who she knew would be returning to his home in Ireland in a few months. She was the one who convinced him that they should make the most of their time together, rather than ending things early because of the fear of getting hurt or of having to say bye. To me, that is brave, beautiful, and something to look up to. I don’t know many people who would put themselves in such a vulnerable position. But I do know that I want to live my life with that kind of fullness.
Here’s to a year of “fully embracing vulnerability!”
“What makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful.” (TED Talk below)
*(from the movie- When In Rome)
***Special thanks you to Helene Roy for inspiring this post,
and for believing I could do justice to such a deep topic in the first place.***
CHECK OUT THIS AMAZING TED TALK BELOW- THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY
I interrupt the recent series of Unfortunate Dates to tell you about a good one, a really good date that just took place a few days ago. And… I advise you to go on it too!
A couple of days ago, I was taken to the exact place I wanted to go, at the exact time that was right for me, with company that allowed me to be myself, AND food and entertainment that was just my style.
Who was this amazing date you ask???
…..
tun ta da dun….
It was … ME!!!
What do I mean?
I mean, I was my date! – You heard me. (The picture of the couple was just there to fool you).
I took ME (myself) on a date, and it was actually an awesome night. I highly recommend you do it too! No silly, I’m not saying that YOU should take ME on a date too, but that you should take YOURSELF on a date! (unless of course you are a charming, funny, handsome guy that knows just how to treat me. Then I would gladly accept you also taking me out on a date, but that’s a whole other blog post).
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. You’re distracting me.
Where were we? Oh yes, taking yourself out on a date. I believe it is something everyone should do, whether you are single, in a relationship, even married, and especially if you’re not sure what your relationship status is (in that case, you might really benefit from this even more).
I know, I know. Isn’t that kind of sad, or even pathetic, you’re thinking? Because really, if you’re out alone, well, doesn’t that mean you are lonely, and a loner, and a loser who just plain doesn’t have any friends? RUBBISH! That is just a bunch of baloney. I have great friends, and sure, I’m single. But sometimes, I just want to do my own thing. And after the other night, I hope that whether I’m in a relationship or not, that I remember to take myself out on dates more regularly.
Why? Because it is adventurous, good for the soul, is the best way to get to know yourself, and it is fun! It grounds you and reminds you of how you want to be treated, and it gives you an excuse to go out and dress up and spend a night exactly the way you want it to wherever you want to go! There is a difference between taking yourself out on a date because you’re lonely and down on yourself- like you have no other choice- versus taking yourself out on a date because…. it’s fun and you know you’re worth it and you’re CHOOSING it intentionally.Read the rest of this entry »
"Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So drink. Drink and be filled up."
- Stephen King
in On Writing.
----------
"We... write to heighten our own awareness of life... We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection... We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it... to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth... to expand our world, when we feel strangled, contricted, lonely... When I don't write I feel my world shrinking. I feel I lose my fire, my color."
Anais Nin
- in The Diary of Anais Nin, V.5
ing, to reveal. Just tell her how you feel.” In my case, I think the ‘her’ is me in this story. Through each one of those pursuits of various creative passions, I needed to finally tell myself that I wanted to do them, that I was capable of doing them, that I needed to drop the story I had been telling myself for most of my life, that I still tell myself sometimes, that ‘they aren’t me’. I need to embrace the fact that I was blessed to have Writing, Dance, Music and Singing come find me even when I was pretending to reject them because maybe I didn’t know if I was good enough for them? Oh, how my mom would be shaking her head at me right now for even writing that statement.
For so many years, I hid behind my books, my studies, and my big, dorky, pink glasses, while my classmates went to pool parties, skating field trips, and skiing getaways. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking stupid in front of other kids. I felt so uncoordinated playing sports, while they seemed to come so naturally to the other kids. Sure, those years being studious and all ‘in my head’ had their own payoffs. I got good grades, I was a stronger writer or reader than some of my classmates, and I built up good work habits that I still use to this day. But I should have been building those academic skills out of choice, not as a scapegoat. I needed to have more balance in my life, and include more social and physical activities in my day.
Scribble it Down 
