Disclaimer; I have tried it, it didn’t work for me, but I am not mocking those who have done it or are still doing it. I …actually want to Hi-five those it worked for, because that’s what I’d love to hear. I would have loved to be proof that it does work, and I would have no qualms telling people I met the guy online. But, it just never even got past the first or second date for me, and even those were a little dicey.
1) My imagination runs wild and no matter how much I try not to, I envision the person on the profile to be something they are not. And then when I meet them, what they are, or what we are like together just doesn’t work for me.
2) The moment someone described online dating as “fun because it’s like people Ebay,” my stomach sank. I have never been a huge shopper, and shopping for people just makes people sound like they are worth less than they are. We are priceless. There is no shopping for us, got it?
3) Online dating seems to be full of people wanting non-monogamous relationships, and I think that it really encourages it. Because you could be writing to ten people at the same time online, so why not do the same in real life, right? Uggh Again, not dissing non- monogamy for those who it works for, but it’s totally not me. I do appreciate all the honesty in people’s profiles however, where they just come out and clearly say that’s what they want.
4) I’m sure that some of the “sweetest, most sensitive” responses or messages I got online were not actually from the guys who were shown in those pictures or profiles. I think they could have been women, or men that didn’t look anything like their fake photos, or married men bored of their lives. Just a hunch, anyway, especially when they don’t seem to ever have time to meet in person.
5) Many people online seem to want to write endlessly and not actually do anything in real life. I like writing but I’m not looking for a penpal. Hello???
6) When I think of how some of my friends have been on the same sites as I have been, and that we could possibly be dating the same guy at the same time, or even at different times, and not even know it, I feel totally disgusted. lol! I am looking for a romantic relationship. I don’t need to mess up my good friendships in the midst of that search.
7) I am a hopeless romantic who would love to meet a guy at the bank line or in a grocery store or at a coffee shop, just because it was meant to be, and not because OkCupid says we have a low enemy % compatibility. What does that even mean???
8) I am a writer and so I tend to get a little overly fascinated by online profiles NOT as possibilities of potential mates, but for possibilities for potential characters in a crazy story idea. You should read some of the stuff these people share. It makes for amazing writing material, but full-of-drama relationship material. (as in NOT relationship material at all)
9) The time I would spend looking through profiles, meeting up with dates, and learning time and time again that this is so unnatural and not me could be used on activities I love, activities I know ARE me.
10) If he’s out there, he’s going to find me, we will find each other. We don’t need a computer to search out millions to do it. I don’t want to be so tired out from all the computer searching, and online dating trials and failures that by the time I find THE ONE, I won’t have any energy or excitement to give to him.
So look out world, because someday soon, I’ll be telling you the story of how I will find my guy the old fashioned way. I hope he’s listening right now, cos I might need a little help in making it happen.
☆ Waking up to a bunch of new followers on my writer’s blog! Thank you! This hasn’t happened in a long time as I haven’t been writing on it steadily. Buy this new feeling of support from strangers from all different areas has motivated me to delve back into it. Today is going to be a full of writing day for me because of you! 🙂
☆ Impromptu movie date with Wendy! I don’t know what I thought of the movie – Paterson. But I like how it completely refused to stick to any of the usual cultural stereotypes and sort of toyed with the audience in that sense, in an eye opening way. I love movies and theater and the arts- the way they all take me to another place for awhile. They allow me to explore someone else’s world even if for a short time. And I always come out of any of those shows looking at my world a little differently- more open and grateful.
In this case, it had me craving cupcakes, thinking that I should pick up a guitar again and excited about colours other than black and white (You’d have to have seen the movie to understand). Also, the main character ‘randomly’ gets a new blank notebook from ‘a stranger’ to nudge him to start writing new poems again. I took it as a sign to dedicate some more time to writing today. “Aha!” said the old man playfully, or knowingly, as he walked away. Reminds me to be open to ‘random Aha’ moments in my own real life.
☆ The deep and meaningful conversations I had recently with a couple of really supportive friends. Michelle, Renee, and Wendy- you guys are my therapists! 🙂 I love you so much for being there for me. Your belief in me, and allowing me the space to express and be heard means so much to me and makes such a big difference.
☆ The guy walking through the alley playing his harmonica in the middle of the day. I was so drawn to the music, wondering where it was coming from. And I look out my balcony and there he was, just like it was an every day occurrence. No big deal. Thanks for the music, sir. Put a little skip in my step even while I was in my apartment.
☆ The pigeon walking so carefully, but confidently, along my balcony railing. I loved watching him, his purple tuft of feathers glimmering with an almost metallic sheen to it as his head turned a little catching the rays of the sun. Pigeons, puppies, and authentic smiles seem to bring me into the present moment a lot recently. I can’t help but to stop, stare and feel, rather than think and worry, when I am in their presence.
☆ The guy looking for empty bottles and cans in the alley the other night. He moved aside for me, to give me more space to drive through the alley and he smiled. And then I stopped, unlocked the passenger door of my car, which he was closest to. As I was reaching over to open the door, he opened it instead. I trusted him. He trusted me. I gave him the bottle I had in my car. And he thanked me and wished me a good night. The mutual trust and compassion was what touched me the most.
☆ Mom- what are we going to do today? Who should we meet? What are we going to say? Where are we going to go? I refuse to continue this journey without you, so I am counting on you to guide me from here on out. Thank you for being my Angel Mom. ♡
*Please note: the picture at the very top of the page is not my own and is definitely not my own journal. I found it on the internet and thought it was absolutely beautiful and so fitting for this post and for many of my own ways of thinking. Thank you to whoever is the original owner and designer of it. It is inspiring me to think of ways I can create and design my own journal pages as well now. So much for my no more paper goal! 🙂 When the muse calls, you gotta just go with it.
☆ I was annoyed that I had to get up “too early” to go pee (I know, TMI). But as I came back towards my bed again, I saw the amazing layers of purple, pink, and blue sky the sun had created. This is the only time I would have been able to see the sky this way. And then I smiled inside as I thought, Oh, THIS is why the Universe made me get up at this time! Thank you 🙂
☆ Being mesmerized by the morning sky, I naturally opened the balcony door to get a picture. Of course, I can’t actually capture the real beauty of what I saw in one shot from my camera on my phone. Not even close. But that moment allowed me to breathe in the crisp, fresh, morning air. Oh, THAT is why the Universe had me think that I needed to take a picture. Thank you.
☆ Glasses and contact lenses. I have such horrible eyesight; it started when I was very young- maybe 5. I would have missed this beautiful view and all others if I didn’t have contacts or glasses. Thank you for the miracle of sight.
☆ Sleeping to the moonlight shining right into my room last night. I love keeping my curtains open at night and in the morning for these reasons.
☆ Tango dancing and tango music. Even when my foot was hurting last night, I could still sit and enjoy watching the beautiful dancers and take in the emotions that the music conveyed.
☆ Seeing my brother and nieces smiling and laughing and happy. Thank you, K, for the wonderful turkey dinner we all got to enjoy! It was delicious and smelled so good!
☆ Sight, sound, taste, smell… am I missing anything? Mom. I will forever be the most grateful for my Mom. And not even a sudden onset of Alzheimer’s- if that ever happens- could make me forget that. I sleep with her burgundy and blue winter wrap that she wore on most days. I just lay it on top of me and it keeps me warm and comforted. I guess that takes care of Touch,… and also Love. The endless kind. And hopefully the kind that knows no boundaries.
What better day to start a no-paper Gratitude Journal than this Canadian Thanksgiving? I do love putting pen to real paper and handwriting my journals. But God knows I already have so many journals and notebooks. And I barely have space for the old ones, let alone for any new journals. So, let’s see how the online journaling goes here. I have this blog. Might as well get full use out of it right? And like it says, Scribble It Down. Here goes!
Gratitude Journal- Day 1- October 10th, 2016
☆ The crazy cawing of what sounded like a million crows waking me this morning. I am happy to say that I have actually come to appreciate crows over the past few months. And I now have a completely new and more compassionate view of them. They are actually quite caring and emotional themselves.
☆ The beautiful view from my balcony- the firehall and trees and quaint neighborhood streets make me feel like I am in a little town that is safe and at times, magical.
☆ Memories of Kizomba last night. I am so glad I went out. Also got to experience a short lived- but worth it- Kizomba Krush! Only lasted 4 minutes or so and then the feeling was gone. Haha! But oh, what a feeling it was 😉
☆ Listening to the mindfulness CD by Michelle Morrison again before going to sleep last night. Or maybe I fell asleep in the middle of it. Either way, it was soothing and calmed me a little as it played in the background.
☆ Living in a space on my own. It’s small but it’s all mine. I love the freedom that it instills in my head and heart. I know every corner of this little place because I arranged everything in it the way I wanted.
☆ My mom, my mom, my mom. You will always be my number one reason to be grateful, Mommy. ♡♡♡
Sitting in my new apartment, I know there are corners that still need to be fixed- like the cabinet door that is loose under the kitchen counter, and the drawer where my utensils are that gets stuck sometimes. There is the issue with the water spitting out too much onto the tiles outside the bathtub after I shower, and the sun beating down so strongly that my living room oftens feels more like a hot yoga studio. But I am typing away at my computer, relieved that I’m here and settled for now, because it was only a couple of months ago that I was on a crazy search which I thought would never end- a search for a place to live. It was frantic, disappointing and exhausting. And it dawned on me the other day that running around looking for apartments reminded me of something else that frustrated me so much, something that I vowed never to do again. That something is online dating.
What does online dating have to do with looking for apartments you ask? Well, actually, I have found that they have a lot of similarities which I must share with you now.
I find it funny that recently, people have come up to me to tell me how proud my Mom was of my being a teacher, and how impressed they are that I completed my teaching degree at Cambridge. The irony is that to me, it is my Mom who was the real teacher. See, education and great teaching is not just about where you went to school and how many degrees you have. And great teachers come in all forms and from all sorts of backgrounds, even those who didn’t have what we would call a formal education. I should know because my mom didn’t have a diploma to her name, not even one from highschool. Yet, she taught me more than any professor, degree or university has ever taught me. Her legacy, her life lessons, and her love will stay with me forever. Real teachers plant seeds that last life times. They mold who you are, what you stand for, and how you see yourself and the world around you. Everything that is good, smart, and beautiful about me came from the lessons of the truest teacher I have ever known- my Mom- Laila. And I’d like to share some of her lessons with you on this special day, the date of what would have been her 77th Birthday.
Happy Birthday, Mom! This is our first birthday without you here, but I intend to honour and celebrate you and all you’ve done for us. You have touched so many lives, and you continue to live on in our hearts forever. Thank you for the beautiful lessons. I was and am truly blessed to have you as a mother. Best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for choosing me as your daughter and for giving me such a great brother.
(Some of these are things she actually said, but most are my interpretations of her words and actions, realizations that have come to me after she recently passed away).
1. Drink chai (tea). It is not something that you just sip from the outside. It has the power to warm you from the inside out.
2. Don’t chase money or make it your priority. Money means nothing without health and family. Take care of your health. Take care of your family. Don’t let money distract you from either of these much more valuable parts of living.
3. If you have a headache, rather than trying to sleep it off, find something mindless to do – like washing dishes, or folding clothes- something meditative, repetitive, and doesn’t involve too much brain work, but calms you. And before you know it, your headache will disappear.
4. Carry a flashlight. You never know when you might need one.
5. Balm (Vicks vapo rub), a hot water bottle and tumeric powder in milk are the best anecdotes to colds.
6. Go/drive slow. Going fast doesn’t necessarily get you there quicker. It just gets you there more agitated and sometimes, it may even prevent you from getting there at all.
7. Just because the light goes green doesn’t mean you should rush go through it immediately. If the light has just changed to green, wait a second, make sure it is really clear to go, and then go. Lights don’t detect reckless drivers. But your own eyes can and carefulness can.
8. Never give up. Never ever give up.
9. I like that you and I are different It means that I can always learn something from you.
10. Oh Google! Somebody told me about this. You should check it out. (She said this in February of 2015! :-))
11. WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT, don’t even TOUCH your phone while driving, and wear a jacket and a scarf. After everything I have done to protect you and keep you safe, why would you put yourself in unnecessary danger or risk of getting sick?
12. Don’t go out into the cold with wet hair.
13. If anyone gets sick, a mother always knows how to take care of them. But if a mother gets sick, no one knows what to do.
14. Go to Khane (place of prayer), or find your own ‘khane’.- Somewhere you can go to connect with God, with yourself and a community. You will need them at different points in your life, so get into the habit of having them around.
15. Stand up for what you believe and for who you believe in. I believe in both of my kids. I might have gotten on their backs about different things sometimes, but it’s only because I believe in both of them.
16. I might never have said I love you, but I always showed it. (Yes, you did mom. You definitely showed it in everything you did). Actions DO speak louder than words.
17. GIVE. GIVE GIVE GIVE. Don’t stop giving, even to people who don’t give back. You might not get anything back from them but you will get it back from someone, somewhere. Or you will just feel lighter for giving. Too much taking makes me heavy.
18. A mother never thinks twice about sacrificing for her kids. My kids are everything to me. I did and would give them everything I have. It is my job. And it makes me happy.
19. Eat! Don’t forget to eat, no matter how busy of a day you have. If I ever bugged you too much about coming over and eating with me, it was just a way to get you here, to have something to do together. We both need to eat, so why not do it together?
20. A Mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take.
21. Simplicity is beautiful. Whenever life gets to be too much, go back to the simple things. Enjoy the simple things in life. Get rid of the complications. That’s why I kept myself simple: so you always have somewhere true and real to come back to.
22. No matter how old you get, you will always be my children. So I will never stop watching over you, even after I’m gone.
23. You may think you know how much your mother has done for you while she is alive, but you will start discovering the real depth of her love even more once she has passed away.
24. Never do anything to intentionally harm yourself. I have brought you up to respect and love yourself. And if you ever forget that, remember that you are a part of me. So if you hurt yourself or put yourself down or blame yourself unnecessarily, you are also hurting me. Treat yourself with love and kindness. That is all I ever want for you. And surround yourself with those who treat you with nothing less than that consideration.
25. I will still continue to teach you and guide you even when I am no longer physically with you. You just have to be open to it and listen for it. Nothing will ever stop me from taking care of my children. Talk to me, even if we didn’t talk that much when I was living. I will hear you and I will find ways to answer you. That’s the power of a Mother’s Love. It is timeless and knows no boundaries.
My favorite site right now for inspiring articles is Elephant Journal. One recent post I saw on the site touched me a great deal. It was written by a mother, or an aspiring mother, named Rebecca Lammersen, who wished to share a beautiful gift with her daughters- advice, in the form of a list, of how to live a full life- 18 Life Lessons I Want My Daughters to Hear. All of them were completely in tune with my own beliefs and what I would wish to impart on kids if I had any of my own. But they also got me thinking about additional points I would want to add, either because my mom shared them with me, or because I learned how important they were from my own experiences. So I decided to create my own list, inspired by Rebecca’s. It begins with one I borrowed from her, as that one stood out to me as one of the most crucial. Thanks Rebecca for inspiring the rest of these:
20 Life Lessons I Would Want My Children to Hear- By Tasleem
1. “Never feel guilty for moving away from me, for traveling, or going on an adventure.” (that one was written by the original writer- Rebecca Lammersen).
2. Never burden yourself with what went on in our family before you came along. Be interested in our heritage and where you came from, but never feel that what went ‘wrong’ is yours to fix. It is not. We as your parents, as well as the generations before us, made our own choices. Some good, some not so good. But don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s your job to pay for those mistakes. It is NOT!
3. Family is not meant to hold you down, but lift you up. We give you foundation and values to develop your wings, in order to help you fly, but also to have a solid place to land back again whenever you need it. Don’t let anyone cage or hold down your wings, not even family.
4. Don’t chase people. Have a variety of friends, and also be your own best friend, so that whenever anyone is not around, you don’t feel the need to chase. The people who are real friends will be there for you without you having to run after them.
5. Love openly, no matter what colour, race, religion or language the person is. Feel free to love who your heart tells you to. I don’t care even if the person doesn’t speak the same language as us, as long as they treat you like the beautiful soul that you are- with respect, affection, compassion and commitment. I will learn their language if need be. As long as you are happy with that person.
6. The important events of your life- your birthdays, your marriage- should be celebrated the way you want to. They are your days. Don’t let anyone tell you how to live them. Not even me.
7. Find your own ‘dance’ in life- whether it be a sport, painting, running, meditation, music. Just do something that enlivens your spirit and allows you to express who you are. Don’t ever abandon the activities that make you feel truly happy, no matter what they are.
8. Never let anyone tell you you can’t do something. I think that’s how Will Smith said it in the Pursuit of Happyness. It’s true. When people tell you this, it is usually coming from their own fears. Disregard the fears if it is something you really want. Go after it. “No heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.” That’s what Paulo Coelho said. Read his books, especially the Alchemist.
9. Travel, Laugh, and Listen to Music. The first will open your eyes to the world, and all the beautiful people in it, the second will keep you enjoying the world around you, and the third will remind you of the rhythm of life. It is all around you. Just listen.
10. Cry. It is not a weakness. It shows that you feel, it allows you to let go of anything piling up inside you, and it makes you real and human.
11. Everything happens for a reason. It really does. And the Universe is always looking out for you. So am I.
12. Spend time alone. Get to know yourself. Don’t be afraid to go to movies or a restaurant or to travel by yourself. It is the best way to meet new people, to become centered and to appreciate your surroundings and your uniqueness.
13. I might be your mother, but that does not mean I am always right. My mother once said to me, “I like that we are different. It means that I can learn something from you too.” I am saying the same to you.
14. Never give up. The words of Winston Churchill and my mother, your grandmother. Never give up.
15. Be yourself. There is only one you. I am so proud to have made that you, and the Universe wants you here for a reason, a reason completely separate from anyone else’s reason for being here. Learn from Tigger: “The most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I’m the only one. I’m the only one.” You are the only you. Let that you shine through and don’t hide it.
16. It’s okay not to fit in. In fact, it’s beautiful, it’s authentic, it’s real. Be real.
17. Stand up for what you believe, even if everyone else believes something different.
18. Play. Play outside, play inside, run around, make noise, make sand castles, draw, and blow bubbles. Play should be mandatory in the curriculum at any age, for any program, even at work in businesses.
19. Exercise- whatever form you want, but do it. Your body, but also your mind and spirit need it.
20. I will still be with you, even after I leave this earth. I might just take a different form- like a cool breeze on a warm day, or a full moon shining over you, or the rain washing away your sorrows. It is not just your imagination. I am with you always.
I saw this line in a writer’s bio recently, and she definitely lived up to it. Her article oozed openness, authenticity, honesty, … no holding back. I felt as if I knew her as there seemed to be no mask between us. Each of her words connected with me somehow, as if she knew a part of me too. Yet, I was aware that we were different.
See, I envied her freedom in her writing and in the person that shone through her words, and I wanted to be just as free and real. I realized that what made her art beautiful, what allowed her to connect with me and probably hundreds or thousands of other readers, was her courage to be vulnerable, to get naked on the page, as she so aptly put it. And so I decided that 2015 is my year to explore vulnerability, to welcome it, and to get ‘naked’ both on and off the page. Anyone want to join me?
I used to think that vulnerability was a weakness. That it was about being small, scared, and easily hurt. I just didn’t want to be it- vulnerable, that is. So I avoided situations where my vulnerability would show through, even though deep down inside, I imagined it
was just written all over me- ‘Little Miss Vulnerable’. I hid in the girl’s bathroom at school when I felt like I didn’t fit in or had no one to play with at recess. I didn’t put up a fight when my mother wrote me sick notes to get me out of P.E. class because I always thought I was going to be picked last in games anyway. I didn’t want to keep fumbling a ball and missing a catch, or for my classmates to wait for me while I was the last at the finish line in track practice.
I hated running, yet I seemed to be good at running from the things that made me feel inadequate. For so many years, I hid behind my books, my studies, and my big, dorky, pink glasses, while my classmates went to pool parties, skating field trips, and skiing getaways. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking stupid in front of other kids. I felt so uncoordinated playing sports, while they seemed to come so naturally to the other kids. Sure, those years being studious and all ‘in my head’ had their own payoffs. I got good grades, I was a stronger writer or reader than some of my classmates, and I built up good work habits that I still use to this day. But I should have been building those academic skills out of choice, not as a scapegoat. I needed to have more balance in my life, and include more social and physical activities in my day.
No one reminded me that NOT doing those activities that I was scared of wasn’t going to somehow make me magically better at them one day. No one told me that you can’t run from all your fears, or all your ‘shortcomings’ all your life, because boy, do they catch up with you in other ways. Sure, I might not have to go to P.E. class now as an adult, and I can choose the types of parties I want to go to. But, what about the skill of falling and getting back up that I missed out on?
If you were like me and didn’t take the opportunities to fall and make mistakes when you were younger, to scrape your knee, or lose your grip on the monkey bars, or let go of the rail at the ice rink or risk looking into the eyes of the guy sitting next to you to see how he really feels, then learning to get back up as an adult isn’t just hard, it’s unfamiliar.
“I will make better mistakes next time,” are the words written across a t-shirt my voice teacher owns. She knows the power of allowing yourself to make ‘mistakes’ and take chances, to not get stuck in the idea of ‘what it’s supposed to be like.’ In fact, she uses vulnerability as a tool to connect with her audiences. “Be naked” was the advice she actually gave me a year ago when I was practising to sing in front of a bunch of people for the first time. We often hear that one of the best ways to get over ‘stage fright’ is to picture your audience naked. But my voice teacher allowed me to see that giving of yourself- nerves, emotions, and all- to the audience, rather than taking or expecting a reaction from them, makes for a stronger connection. Because by simply being who you are, and what you feel, at that moment, you let the audience in to that energy of authenticity as well. And this gives them permission to be real and vulnerable too. “In order for connection to happen, you have to allow yourself to be ‘seen.’- to be vulnerable.”(See TED Talk link attached below). And this allows your audience to do the same.
When it was finally time for me to go up to the mic and sing, I was so nervous that my hands got really shaky. I remember regretting taking the mic off the stand as soon as I realized I couldn’t keep my hand still. Once it was over, I wanted to scream out “I can do it better, really!” I had worked hard practising those songs for months. I was so angry at myself for not pulling it off the way I had hoped. The little girl I was so long ago seemed to come sneaking back to me. “Why did I have to embarrass myself by getting up there?” she asked. “Why didn’t I just ask for another sick note, or hide in the bathroom like I always did,” she demanded. “We were safer there,” she reminded me.
I had to ask myself the same question- why DID I even bother doing these ‘scary’ things, that didn’t have any sort of sure outcome? It is uncomfortable to open up and share your feelings, especially when you don’t know how your nerves are going to hold up. You might get shaky hands, you might miss that monkey bar, you may land your butt on the ice at the rink, or admitting you have a crush on that guy may result in your own crushed heart.
But what is the other option? To never know? Is there strength in that? When someone is vulnerable, they may feel small, scared, or easily hurt, yet the beauty in whatever they do is that they do it DESPITE feeling this way. They make mistakes not caring if the outcome is perfect or not- “The courage to be imperfect” (TED Talk below). COURAGE, not weakness. Vulnerability is about being brave. It is not about being scared, and running away. It’s about being scared, and still facing that fear and sometimes running right towards it. And learning to “Lean into the discomfort of it,” is part of the art of using vulnerability to fully live life. Paulo Coelho, my favorite writer, actually refers to those who live in this way as Warriors.
And thinking back, I realized it wasn’t the kids who threw a ball perfectly, or the classmates who ran the fastest, or those who skied down the toughest slopes that necessarily stood out to me. It was those kids who ran and stumbled, and laughed it off and got right back up again – they were the ones that I admired. They said what they really felt. They just tried everything, and had fun, mistakes and all!
What we often forget is that when we are so open to the things that may possibly hurt us, this means that we are also open to more joy, passion and freedom than the people out there who don’t take these risks. “The passion is IN taking the risk.”* And I want to live a passionate life.
Being vulnerable is being free. You, unlike the less vulnerable, are not hiding behind a façade, a persona that you think others want to see or want you to be. There is no space for the regret that comes from not trying. Instead, as the one who is vulnerable, you bare it all- naked- for everyone to see you just as you are. And they can take it or leave it. You may still be anxious about what others think about you, yet, you let that go. You know that the only way you can truly be faithful to yourself is to take that risk. You have decided that saving that uniqueness about you is worth it.
And then I realized that as an adult, I have had some instances of vulnerability that I can be proud of.
Besides learning to sing, and starting to take opportunities to sing in front of others, I also joined a performance dance group, even though I was terrified of dancing in front of people years ago. But I wanted to get over that, and so I learned to trust that my body would remember the steps, and sequence, despite my nerves. It wasn’t perfect, but I actually had fun making mistakes here and there, and figuring out how to still dance through them and keep smiling.
I also traveled to a few places on my own, without knowing a single person there, and sometimes without even knowing much of the language of the country either. Yet, I learned to communicate in some form or another, and sometimes I got lost. But, other times, the ‘wrong’ turns took me to places that I didn’t even know I needed to go.
There have been a few times that my travels were for ‘love’ or at least for some sort of tug I was feeling at my heart strings. For example, after writing to a particular guy for over a year, I decided to go out and see him in the states. It took a bus ride and a flight to get there, but before I arrived, he decided to let me know that he suddenly wasn’t comfortable meeting up with me. Of course, I was hurt and confused. I learned that I mistook the whole thing for something it wasn’t, including the kind of guy I thought he was, not just on a romantic level but even as a friend. He didn’t really care about me. All those emails, all those emotions built up… I was embarrassed at how much time I invested in it, in HIM. He would never have flown anywhere for me, so what was I thinking? But then, I realized that that is precisely why I should be proud of myself. It turned out that though I thought he was the courageous, outgoing one, I ended up being what I never thought I would be: someone who was brave enough to go find out rather than spending my life wondering.
The funny thing is that because I went there so open hearted, yes, I got hurt over the guy I had originally gone to see, but I met another guy while I was there, who actually treated me with the attention, affection, and respect I was looking for. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed him, or attracted him, if it wasn’t for how open my heart was at that time, even if it was wounded. This guy helped me smile, brought me laughter, but most of all, from the moment we met, he himself was open and unguarded with his feelings. He shared his passions and dreams with me, even though we hadn’t known each other very long. He knew I would be leaving to go back to Vancouver soon, and instead of letting that scare him, he made sure not to take his time with me for granted. He called me and asked me out within a couple of hours of meeting me, introduced me to his work colleagues, drove me around the city, shared his music and writing with me, and showed a genuine interest in me and who I was. We kept in touch for awhile, though things trickled off after a few months. But I think he was the universe’s way of showing me that taking chances and admitting my feelings for someone is a great thing. It may not have been reciprocated by the person my affection was aimed at, but sometimes, what you want comes to you from someone you didn’t even expect.
I have been lucky enough to make some inspiring friends who prove to me each day that being vulnerable is beneficial and worth it. One of my friends left med school in England to pursue her passion for singing in New York. And now, after years of living in Brooklyn, singing, and being true to herself, she inspired me once again by pursuing a relationship with a guy who she knew would be returning to his home in Ireland in a few months. She was the one who convinced him that they should make the most of their time together, rather than ending things early because of the fear of getting hurt or of having to say bye. To me, that is brave, beautiful, and something to look up to. I don’t know many people who would put themselves in such a vulnerable position. But I do know that I want to live my life with that kind of fullness.
Here’s to a year of “fully embracing vulnerability!”
“What makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful.” (TED Talk below)
*(from the movie- When In Rome)
***Special thanks you to Helene Roy for inspiring this post,
and for believing I could do justice to such a deep topic in the first place.***
CHECK OUT THIS AMAZING TED TALK BELOW- THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY
“If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.”
When I was around ten, we made these booklets about ourselves in school. They included a timeline of past, but also of future events. Next to each event, we would put an age. For example, age 10 was written next to “When I moved to North Vancouver.” I remember that 27 was the age that I predicted I would get married, … on the Love Boat! Or was it that I would meet my future husband on the Love Boat and then get married? Either way, 27 was the magic number as far as the wedding went. It seemed ‘perfect’ at the time. And I also decided that Italy would be our honeymoon destination.
Well, when I think about what I was ACTUALLY doing at 27- the guy I was with, the relationship I had with my SELF at that age, and all the things I have learned since then, I can see now that the Big Man up there (you know, the BIG G?) knew better. My boyfriend and I were feeding off of each others’ insecurities, just bringing each other down instead of up. If that had turned into a marriage, I think it would have been a very unhealthy one. I also think I found so many other interests that I wouldn’t have had the time to pursue if I had been married and with my own family at that time. Music, dance, and singing came to me with greater depth later in my life. And they have brought me so much inspiration and happiness. I think it would have been difficult to make room for them in the same way if I had been a wife and possibly a mother.
I guess I could accept that I was not meant to be on the Love Boat. But somewhere, in the back of my head, or my heart, I hold onto a kind of sadness about whether the marriage ship has just completely sailed me by. Despite the number of broken or unhappy marriages I have heard about from friends and family, I still believe in marriage, and funny enough, I still believe I could be in a good one. But if it didn’t happen at 27, or 30, or 33, when will it happen? I’m sure my already-married-with-kids-from-a-young-age friends might be doubtful as well, secretly pitying my hopefulness.
But, when has that stopped me before? In fact, other people’s negativity about achieving certain rare goals has often fueled me to make those goals come true. And since the Universe has proven to me many times, especially in the past few years, how powerful it can be in making dreams a reality, I decided to set up a kind of new timeline a few years ago. It wasn’t set out as formally as the one I made when I was ten. But it was still backed up with a strong faith. Luckily, it takes a lot for me to give up on things that I really feel and believe in. One of the new goals was to drop the idea of saving Italy for a honeymoon. So what if I didn’t have a husband yet? Maybe I was meant to enjoy the place on my own and reverse the order of two of my childhood goals. I could go to Italy and THEN find a husband and get married. Or maybe I would find the husband IN Italy! That sounded even better. Why didn’t I think of it earlier, I asked myself.
So I gave myself a deadline. I set the end of 2014 as the date by which I would be married or at least engaged. And I was excited at the thought of coming up with a new honeymoon destination with my new husband.
Wondering how successful these goals were?
Well, I couldn’t actually afford the trip to Italy at first, but my mom decided she was going to get rid of some of her old jewelry a few months before. She gave me a pouch of necklaces, old earrings, some missing their other pair. She told me to do as I wanted with them. I knew I wouldn’t wear them, as they were not my style and had already been sitting around in a safe deposit box for years. So I took them to a place that converted gold to cash, and to my surprise, the jewelry was enough to get me a flight out to Venice! I couldn’t believe that my dream was coming true!
But unfortunately, the trip didn’t seem as dreamy as I thought. Sure, the art. architecture and the gelato were amazing. And I did meet a handsome man from Rome that added a great romantic story to my trip as he showed me around the city for a few days. But our connection dwindled not long after I got home. So much for Italy introducing me to my future husband. Oh well, I wouldn’t have been able to put up with most of those Italian men for even a few minutes anyway. The majority of the ones I met were crude, disrespectful, and arrogant. Couldn’t they see that they were completely breaking down my dreamy stereotype of them?
Even the natural environment was not as inviting as I thought. I landed myself in the hospital three times during my stay in Italy. One of the hospital visits was because I got bitten by tiger mosquitoes in Florence. Even though technically, it was past the season when they would be around, the weather was still warm. So unfortunately for me, I guess they decided to stay a little longer. My body was so sensitive to these unfamiliar insects and their bites, that I had a bad allergic reaction to them. Here I was, right in the heart of all of Florence’s beautiful cathedrals, historical monuments, turrets, and cobble stone, and I couldn’t wait to leave that city which literally made my skin crawl. I was so uncomfortable and full of tears in a place I spent so many years fantasizing about.
And how did my second goal turn out? Well, here I am, 12 days until the end of 2014 and not only am I husbandless but I am not even in a romantic relationship.
I could take this as a failure, and just give up all hope, which is what I thought I would want to do. But what if it’s actually a success that I don’t even know about? I mean, what if the Universe is actually saving me from another expensive, energy sucking experience that might bite deeper into me than even those mosquitoes in Florence? Not to say that this is what I think of marriage all of a sudden. Not at all. But marriage with the wrong person or at the wrong time? Well, I’ve definitely seen and heard of some messy ones. Maybe God is not taking away a dream from me, but making sure my dream lives up to the standards that I hold for it. Unlike with Italy, I wouldn’t be able to just shake off a marriage that didn’t work by taking a flight home. And maybe one day I will go back to Italy one day and enjoy it. But that it’s all about the timing. Maybe it’s still not the right time for me to be a wife, or to be in that dream relationship. Maybe God has a timeline for me that is so much more beneficial for me than I could ever imagine. I think many of us don’t realize how much NOT getting what we want, when we think we want it, could actually be a blessing.
Last week, a friend of mine told me that he went back to his home in India to marry his girlfriend. They had been dating for four years, but now that he is living in Vancouver, and she is still back in the area near Mumbai where his family lives, this friend of mine wanted to make things official and show this girl how much he wanted to be with her.
It sounded like such a sweet story, until he told me that his family would not accept the girl because she is of a lower caste than he is! Does that still really happen? I thought to myself.
“I went back there specifically to marry her,” he told me. I could hear the pain in his voice, even though he was trying to smile through his words.
“Well, I do agree that family is important,” I replied, “but I know from personal experience that breaking off a relationship only because family want you to can build up a lot of resentment towards your family. And in the end, it’s your life. You don’t want to have regrets. If this girl is really that great, and really makes you happy” I added, “Don’t let her go.”
“She already got married to someone else,” he replied as his head slowly dropped down towards his chest.
“What? But you were out there recently, right? Who did she get married to so quickly?” I asked, without letting him get a word in.
I felt my own heart breaking just in hearing this story. So I couldn’t imagine how painful it was to be the one in it.
“What do your parents say? Don’t they feel bad that you are so sad?” I asked, not caring anymore if I was prying too much.
I figured if he was sharing as much as he did with me, I had a right to know how the rest of the story went.
“I am not talking to my parents anymore,” he said, matter of factly..
How could this happen, I thought. This is so wrong. It sounded like this young couple were meant to be together. How unfair that OTHER people’s opinions were pulling the couple apart? How can these families not see how much hurt they were causing their children? In a world where it is so hard to find love, how can it be right to break up a love that has already been found?
But once I was given space to think about this at home, another perspective came to my mind: As much as I admired my friend’s desire to declare his love for this girl, and to show her that he chose her to commit to, maybe God could see the bigger picture. Maybe God had something else in mind for him. Maybe a relationship with someone who would stand up for him and their love. Maybe a relationship where he would not have to communicate over long distance, and maybe someone who would not throw away the four years they had together by accepting a ring and a whole new life with another guy so quickly.
This friend of mine tried to explain that the girl was under a lot of pressure and she felt that a union with him would only hurt her family. But she also ended up telling him that HE was hurting her family. Couldn’t she see how much she was hurting him, not just by giving up on them, but by ‘replacing’ him in what seemed like an instant? Would making her parents happy truly make her happy? But then again, would my friend have been happy with this girl, knowing that their families would never approve?
Who knows? What a complicated situation. One which neither he, nor I, nor his now ex girlfriend or their parents could ever predict the future of. But again, maybe the Universe really knows what is in store for us in the long run, and how much we can handle. Sometimes, when we think we are being treated unfairly, there is actually a great power looking out for us. we just don’t know it yet.
So maybe our job is not to be disappointed when what we hope for doesn’t come to us. We can instead learn to be excited for whatever this new space opened us to us will bring and trust in the Universe’s ability to know best when to bring it. So, I didn’t get a ring put on my finger this year, and I didn’t get a man in my life to call husband. That doesn’t mean it will never happen. And what about celebrating all the great things that did and do happen?
Perhaps 2015 will bring me a whole bunch of other gifts in the form of people, places, adventures and experiences that I didn’t even know I wanted. And I’ll have a whole new set of stories to share with you. Don’t worry. I won’t stop setting goals. I’ll still make lists and new timelines. But I’ll let God decide which ones He will see as fitting and which He will cross off as not being the best for me. My job will be to keep dreaming, and believing, but this time I’ll leave the rest in His hands.
I interrupt the recent series of Unfortunate Dates to tell you about a good one, a really good date that just took place a few days ago. And… I advise you to go on it too!
A couple of days ago, I was taken to the exact place I wanted to go, at the exact time that was right for me, with company that allowed me to be myself, AND food and entertainment that was just my style.
Who was this amazing date you ask???
…..
tun ta da dun….
It was … ME!!!
What do I mean?
I mean, I was my date! – You heard me. (The picture of the couple was just there to fool you).
I took ME (myself) on a date, and it was actually an awesome night. I highly recommend you do it too! No silly, I’m not saying that YOU should take ME on a date too, but that you should take YOURSELF on a date! (unless of course you are a charming, funny, handsome guy that knows just how to treat me. Then I would gladly accept you also taking me out on a date, but that’s a whole other blog post).
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. You’re distracting me.
Where were we? Oh yes, taking yourself out on a date. I believe it is something everyone should do, whether you are single, in a relationship, even married, and especially if you’re not sure what your relationship status is (in that case, you might really benefit from this even more).
I know, I know. Isn’t that kind of sad, or even pathetic, you’re thinking? Because really, if you’re out alone, well, doesn’t that mean you are lonely, and a loner, and a loser who just plain doesn’t have any friends? RUBBISH! That is just a bunch of baloney. I have great friends, and sure, I’m single. But sometimes, I just want to do my own thing. And after the other night, I hope that whether I’m in a relationship or not, that I remember to take myself out on dates more regularly.
Why? Because it is adventurous, good for the soul, is the best way to get to know yourself, and it is fun! It grounds you and reminds you of how you want to be treated, and it gives you an excuse to go out and dress up and spend a night exactly the way you want it to wherever you want to go! There is a difference between taking yourself out on a date because you’re lonely and down on yourself- like you have no other choice- versus taking yourself out on a date because…. it’s fun and you know you’re worth it and you’re CHOOSING it intentionally.Read the rest of this entry »
"Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So drink. Drink and be filled up."
- Stephen King
in On Writing.
----------
"We... write to heighten our own awareness of life... We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection... We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it... to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth... to expand our world, when we feel strangled, contricted, lonely... When I don't write I feel my world shrinking. I feel I lose my fire, my color."
Anais Nin
- in The Diary of Anais Nin, V.5
tic who would love to meet a guy at the bank line or in a grocery store or at a coffee shop, just because it was meant to be, and not because OkCupid says we have a low enemy % compatibility. What does that even mean???
For so many years, I hid behind my books, my studies, and my big, dorky, pink glasses, while my classmates went to pool parties, skating field trips, and skiing getaways. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking stupid in front of other kids. I felt so uncoordinated playing sports, while they seemed to come so naturally to the other kids. Sure, those years being studious and all ‘in my head’ had their own payoffs. I got good grades, I was a stronger writer or reader than some of my classmates, and I built up good work habits that I still use to this day. But I should have been building those academic skills out of choice, not as a scapegoat. I needed to have more balance in my life, and include more social and physical activities in my day.
Scribble it Down 
